Hooplah.Org

Great day. Friday’s always seem to make good days.

Classes were easy. First period I slept, since the majority of the class had to do a retest on the last unit. Second period I did nothing but play on the computer, since my teacher duged it a “free day.” Extremely odd for my accounting teacher. He hates missing days.

Third I had to cut, sand, and stain wood. I hated every minute of it. But Mr. Dahl announced that since he noticed how much everyone enjoyed being in the lab, that he would change our future projects around so that our next project would be making a stupid pencil holder. Fuck. I hate wearing the huge safety glasses, and having to put my hair up. I just know the glasses are wider than my actual fact, and the glasses probably also make my ears stand out. At least Billy still flirts with me.

Fourth period, I got to play monopoly for the first time. I suppose that may seem weird to people, but my parents were smart; they knew if they bought me the game, they would have to play it with me. I was actually really into the game. Despite the fact that I lost horribly, I got the general understanding. I wish I could have played longer.

This afternoon seemed long. Since my father will be away at a bowling terminate somewhere south of here, he rented a car for himself. Despite the fact that neither of our current cars could make the journey to where he is going in one piece, both me and my mother are working different hours this weekend and we both need a car to accomplish it.

Anyway, on the way home, I decided that it would be a good idea to invite Stephen along. That way we’d already be in town, and could get a bite to eat. I know he has been down lately, and I thought it might help him some to get out with the living.

First, we ate at Pizza Hut. We did a lot of talking, mainly analyzing facts and situations from both of our relationships. Before today, I had thought Jennifer always put on a smile for Stephen. I also thought that she liked me. Turns out I was wrong on both accounts. Jennifer would constantly verbally abuse Stephen. Making comments about how he dressed, saying how bad he looked, and how he should dress better. Dragging him through store after store. And he just took it. It almost makes me wonder how Stephen could not have known how cold hearted she is. How he could not have seen it coming?

After we finished eating, we walked mindlessly through the mall. Talking, looking through stores. I bought a Candies perfume/lotion from Belk for $45. It has a $100 value, so I jumped at the chance. A girl named Beth had told me about it during second period earlier in the day, and I had to check to see if they still had it in. I also bought some of the new beanie babies from one of the dealer stands that were in the mall. There must have been a convention of sorts going on, because they were everywhere, wrapping around corners and the water fountain.

To top off a rather good evening, me and Stephen made the spur of the moment decision to see a movie. It ended up being “Frequency,” which was great. I highly recommend it. Even though I saw everything coming, I still felt that rush of shock when it actually did happen.

And if I went to sleep right now, I could get 11 hours of sleep before work tomorrow…

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During my long bus ride home from school, I noticed that the trees have leaves now. I was completely amazed, for some reason. I stared out the window, watching the mesh of green fly by. Even though I thought I had been so much more aware of how beautiful nature is, I failed to actually distinguish what I was looking at. I thought it was significant for me to admire something pointless again.

Nothing eventful happened today. Despite the fact that I missed a day of school, I was still one step ahead of the game in my algebra and consumer math classes. In fact, my consumer math teacher kept having to refer to me to see if she was solving the problems right, while she was teaching.

Stephen is crashing down to an extreme level of hurt. Jennifer is bluntly shaking her joy of being apart in his face. And laughing. I will admit, in his moments, Stephen may not be the most considerate of people. But he does not mean to be. It’s never intentional. He’s a victim of lack of forethought for the most part. And Jennifer has constantly dug and picked at that fault.

Did she ever try suggesting, in a calm voice, what he may do to correct the problem? NO. From my understanding, all she did was whine and complain about how it effected her, how upset she was. How disappointed and unpleased she was. Forget what that does to Stephen. She has detached herself from Stephen. No more problems, right?

I major in heartbreak. I’ve had 5 years of practice. It’s all I’ve really known since I was 12. It holds some level of comfort for me. An old friend that has begun to wear out it’s welcome. Stephen comes to me, saying exactly how he feels. Feelings that I have never been able to put into words, and he does so freely. My thought process is different, because I automatically being to analyze situations, and look at what they will become. Stephen benefits from that, since it helps him to the new, alien feeling. For the first time, I feel like I’m really helping a friend.

In some ways, I’m glad I have someone with me this time around. I’m glad he has someone with him his first time around.

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Yesterday was emotionally exhausting to me, which is why I skipped writing. I actually spoke with Alan. Not on any good terms. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to scream at him for making me love him. For being so damn careless with his promises. But I spoke in a soft tone, or the best that I could create. I wanted to talk to him about my thoughts, not the PG shit we chewed over. I’ve learned that he sees it as a real privilege for me to speak with him. He takes it away when I do or say something he does not like. But that happened later, anyway.

Regardless to my efforts, everything I said had a bitchy undertone. And it especially didn’t help my temper when he changed the topic every time I tried to tell him I’ve been needing to say. It’s impossible to explain what the conversation meant to me, and the complete rush of emotions that ran through me. I cried and cried without even caring to analyze what exactly I was crying for. A mixture of relief and mass disappoint.

He said the reason why he was resistant to contacting me was that every time me and him spoke, I would get not only myself but also him upset. It’s not exactly a happy time, and neither of us should expect it to be. Or punish the other for not promoting a “fun” environment. I have had one simple request since he pulled this shit on me, and he has dodged it every time.

I told him I couldn’t be friends with him. I explained how he may care about me, but that it is not the same level of caring I am used to associating to him. That I cannot be that close without being able to act upon my feelings. How it is unhealthy to restrict myself in that matter. He said he understood.

“Sometimes I miss you Chrisy.”

That doesn’t fix the hurt I constantly feel. It is nothing compared to how much I miss him. Sometimes isn’t enough. And it’s funny how I was not able to make the assumption that he missed me at all, especially when he made it obvious that I was at the very bottom of his acquaintance list. Oh, silly me, I should have known all along. Actions speak louder than words. He can just have me whenever he wants me. That is how I see his want for a friendship, and I cannot function under it.

He went on about how he was not able to do anything with his friends until after 10 or 11, as if he deserved some sympathy for how busy he was. I don’t care much about his other social interactions, especially since he didn’t care to worry about my pitiful cries for any sign of life from him. Everything must be more important than me now. I had my time, right?

This whole event has taken my life away. I am left sitting around my house, crying, and honestly not being able to bring myself to do much else. I just can’t. I don’t even believe in that kind of helplessness, but I can’t make myself move.

Yesterday, my friend Vince tried to challenge my intense emotion about the whole situation. To me, he seems to hold little or no value to any event or person. Everything just breezes over him. In ways I wish I was more like that. But then I doubt I would have been able to enjoy the love and happiness that I have on such levels.

I honestly cannot grasp the concept that Alan does not love me. I spend hours forcefully trying to convince myself. I know that is the first steps to becoming happy, and I cannot do it. He used to tell me how lucky he felt to have me, and how he didn’t deserve me. How can he act as if I’m not good enough now?

Something in me won’t budge. I’ve been having to go to bed earlier than usual, since it has become routine for my thoughts to keep analyzing the same useless information for an hour or more before I can fall asleep.

He has to love me. I don’t want to be alive if he doesn’t.

I had to stay home from school today. 1/2 from exhaustion, and 1/2 from the headache I had yesterday afternoon that followed me through 6 hours of sleep into this morning.

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I e-mailed Alan again this morning. I must be addicted to it, or something of the like. I simply asked him to answer the questions I have been asking all along. Mainly so that I can at least sleep a little better at night. But did he respond? No. He probably never will. I suppose I’m not good enough for common decency.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must represent a failure to him. That distance helps him get over whatever feelings he may have left. But I probably came that conclusion just so soften the blow on my part. I feel like I have to do something to stop the pain, and the only thing he allows me to do is send stupid little e-mails. And when they’re ignored, it leaves me with such a helpless feeling, to a nauseating point. I don’t understand his persistence to be so cruel to me. All I did to him was love him, probably a little too much. And I’m sorry for it.

I feel as though I need to find a new love. That has always been the only remedy to my heartbreak. Finding someone else to take their place. And I’ve been busy trying, believe me.

I’m actually looking to Billy, my usual project partner in my Tech Foundation class. Me and him have always shared perverted humor, and today it was a little more hot than I usually would have permitted. The whole period he sat extremely close to me, touching me and playing around. He even played with my hair at one point. No body has ever done that.

I probably would have been more into it if I was more with the idea. He’s a freshman, and he’s 14. I suppose I’m old fashioned, but it makes me a little uneasy to be 2 1/2 years older than him. And the fact that he makes it a habit to smoke pot as often as he can is also a real turn off. That habit is discouraging to me.

There’s 33 days of school left. I’ll figure out something.

It’s late, and I’m so tired. Physically, but not mentally. I’m wide awake with my thoughts. I suppose I should mention that I called in sick for work on Saturday, because I was still feeling nasty and dizzy. I suppose it was a good thing, because people have been telling me that it was so busy on Saturday they thought they were going to die. All that fuss over Easter. It’s silly, really.

By the way, I didn’t do anything for Easter, either.

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My head is hurting to bad right now. Only on the left side, right over my eye. I’ve tried everything to get rid of it except rest. I’m avoiding that at the moment, mainly because I’m trying to enjoy whatever is left of this so called “day off” I’m supposed to be having. It’s felt like such a long day…

I had a bad start today. For some reason, I got the urge to visit Alan’s domain. I discovered that he finally got around to working me and my name out of his pages. For some reason, it hit me very hard. I had a crying fit over it. I’m living in a stage of denial… And it feels good. It makes me more stable to believe that someday I will marry him. That there is something about me that he loves. That he wants me more than anything. It’s dangerous for me to dwell on how much I am really hurt that he wants to move on from me. If I cover my eyes, I don’t have to watch him walk away…

I realized something, today. When I met Alan, I was miserable. I had been going though 4 years of heartbreak, and my soul was so tired of being hurt. Even being alive. Alan seemed to break me away from that… He seemed to satisfy every need I had. But now… I’ve lost my lover, my best friend… And he’s done everything he promised he wouldn’t. I don’t know what to do with myself. He has been all I have known for the past two years. He was the reason why I started looking forward to whatever future I will have. And it’s just gone forever. What am I supposed to do with myself now?

Now I know why I have the head ache.

My parents were once again harassing me about the digital camera. My mother, at one point, decided to call Jim. Jim is a friend that we somehow acquired for fixing misc problems we have with our computer. I did not want her to call because I was NOT in the mood for it. But of course, that did not stop her. My mother tried to explain what was wrong, and she kept using the wrong words for things and what not. I started to correct her, and she held the phone out to me. “He wants to go through things on the computer.” FUCK

Everything is supposed to be in working order now, since I spent 1/2 hour to 45 minutes talking to him. I was completely pissed off about that. I don’t know if everything works or not, honestly. I refused to test the camera, since they’re taking it back to get a better one. Complete waste of money.

I hate how both my mother and father get angry with me because I am against my father having a stupid digital camera. I am the one who will have to teach him every fucking thing. I usually refuse to be in the same room with him and a computer, since it’s almost like me asking to be screamed at by him. But after this stupid issue of the computer is over with, I’ll have to teach him how to save and edit files. And further more, up load the pictures he wants on the internet. It just has me so damned pissed off.

I want to call in sick for work tomorrow. I am tired, my head is aching, and I am supposed to work 12 to 9. I hate doing that. It just sucks away my whole day.

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