Hooplah.Org

I always seem to have the same deja vu (sp?) over and over in my life. I always end up getting to a point where I believe that what I have to say is much too important to wait. That if I didn’t express my thoughts at that moment, I would lose some amazing opportunity. I actually sit around waiting and thinking for these “revaluations” to hit me. No matter how many times they fail, I keep hoping one time, maybe the next, I could say something to make that person turn to me feel what I say. But it’s never worked.

I form these sentences in my head, and memorize them. I then proceed to knock a couple of years from my current age and scream and stomp like a little child. I go about trying to justify my actions by constantly explaining why I have a reason to scream. Why I have a reason to try to make someone pity me enough to say they’re sorry. I’ve been wrong, and I’ve always been wrong. Instead of improving my chances, I just blast them into oblivion.

It’s hard. It’s hard to sit and think about my actions, and realize that there is something wrong with me. That there’s something black in me, that I may be sick. There isn’t a cure for having an ugly soul. It’s hard to be forever conscious that I’m not made for the contact I long for. That for the past month, it’s been hard being reminded of things I was hoping I could forget.

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I have a lot of other thoughts on my mind. Before, college was not really an option. I was just going to stick by Alan’s side. But now I can think about going to college away in some city. Or a thousand miles from my home. I always imagined that so far out of my reach all of my life. Being pushed into the light forces me to try to focus more on my surroundings. Sort of.

I got a 100 on a math test. It could have been two 100′s in a row, but thanks to my anal teacher I got an 88. So maybe I can bring my C up to a B… Maybe.

I wish I still had my best friend to tell all of these things to. I have friends here and around me now, but I feel like they are not really that interested. Maybe it’s because they turn away from me when I’m in mid sentence. Alan always seemed interested. Most of the time, anyway. He didn’t tell me about his days very often. But I could always laugh with him. I think I miss that the most.

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He doesn’t even seem aware of the fact that I am unhappy. He doesn’t care. I shove mean words around but I’m just so scared. I am so scared I’ll never see or hear from him again. That he was my once in a life time. He keeps blocking me off. There’s nothing I can do but sit here and cry about it. I turn myself inside out writing him stupid letters, when he probably thinks I’m just saying whatever I’m saying just to make him feel bad. To make him feel bad. That’s all I ever seem to do is make him feel bad. I keep apologizing for things I can’t help. Over and over and fucking over. And he still won’t talk to me. I don’t have the words to justify how much it hurts to think of how happy I was. AND HE ACTS LIKE I’M LIEING. I still love him so much. I wish I were dead.

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I’ve missed the past two days of school, and I’ve got a little bopper bitch trying to tell me off. All in all, it’s been a good day.

Alan decided to pop online today after he got home from the whatever island he was visiting. He said that he hadn’t read any my e-mails, and that is why he didn’t respond. But I know he read them. I don’t care what he tells me, I know he did.

He asked me “you hate me, don’t you?” I answered the question badly at the time. There isn’t really an answer. I am still so shocked by this person who I thought loved me so much. Who I loved so much. This person who is so in favor of ruining everything that made me happy. And it feels like it’s gone forever, no matter what happens, and that makes me feel so numb.

I called him on the phone. I yet again caught him in the middle of getting ready to leave. I tried to talk to him. He seemed so completely uninterested. And when I tried to bring up the topics that I have been waiting to say to him for the past month, but he told me he didn’t want to get into it right then. That he would read over my e-mails and write me a long letter tomorrow. But I don’t want that. I want a one on one with him. So much about me changed between every e-mail, so much as changed between the last one I sent him. And in all of them, I was never fully able to communicate what I was really thinking.

If he would just listen to me once. I’ve thought about it and analyzed it so much, that I can explain, in great detail and honestly, just exactly what went wrong. That is one of my true talents: analyzing things to the point where I understand them inside and out. I can replay everything step by step. And the fact of it is that it is so stupid and so pointless. It’s all been spoiled by something so small, and he won’t even look. It is not dead yet. But it’s fading so fast… and he just watches.

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I wish I could come here and gush about some mindless event in my day that for some reason made me happy. And I could explain every little detail, so that I can keep that memory for as long as I still come to this journal. Something happy and annoyingly cheerful. Maybe that can be possible soon. I’ve discovered that from my past experiences with petty heartbreaks and various disappointments over the past few years, I’ve gotten rather good at just tucking bad feelings away. It may not seem like it to those who witness it when some of those feelings seep through my fingers. That can be fixed.

My father just came into my room holding a copy of an e-mail he received that he thought was important enough to waste paper to print out. He held it out in front of him, looking at it as if he was about to say something important and smart, and basically informed me we have an uptight ISP. We have two different subscriptions for internet access; one is earthlink.net, which my father got for himself, and the other is AOL, which is mine. About a year or so ago, I realized that I could save about $11 on our AOL bill if I used earthlink.net to connect to the AOL features. And everything was doing fine. But when I got this lap top, I continued using the earthlink.net and AOL combination. So, at some times, both me and my father would be connected to the same earthlink.net account, just on different computers. And so, earthlink.net contacted my father to inform him that if we continued doing so, they would have to start charging us a dollar an hour for such behavior. It’s apart of some stupid ass conditions they have.

And of course, my father acts as if he had no knowledge of me using the earthlink.net/AOL combination, and starts whining like a little child, like always does when he yells. He starts fussing that all he knew was that they got AOL for me and earthlink.net for himself. Yadda yadda yadda. I told him I was just trying to save him money as he leaves, and he yells back “You didn’t save me any money!” I quickly replay “yes I did,” and so on and so on, until I couldn’t hear him respond anymore. He’s such a child. An annoying, provoking child.

I had never actually done any online shopping until I got my guinea pigs, and both me and my mother realized that there wasn’t enough products being sold in local stores. So we went to petopia.com. I love this site, as it also has many different informative articles on almost every kind of pet… And we’ve spent about $200 there buying cages and play pens for the pigs. Waiting for the stuff to arrive gives me something to look forward to.

I have a friend… A good friend… Whom I’ve known for about a year or so. Not very long. It was back in 1998, and at the time, me and Alan had only been together for about 3-4 months. Me and him were barley talking then. And during that time, I had found this new friendship.

I always had fun in their company… Mainly because I noticed I acted a little different around him then I did with most anyone else. I couldn’t make anyone else laugh as much as him. And eventually feelings got hot on one side. I guess it was understandable, we enjoyed each other’s company. But of course, someone ended up getting burned. My relationship with Alan soon became stronger, and my friend also found someone else. He moved, and then went to college. And we haven’t really kept in touch since, expect for the random instant message every now and then.

I’ve been having dreams about that person… I can’t really remember what exactly goes on, just like with all my other dreams. It’s just a presence that I’m aware of, you know? Maybe it’s because I go to him for advice, and then I end up getting angry at how right he is. Maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe.

I am sick of not truly appreciating things until they are gone. And I’m sick of it being rubbed in my face over and over again. I’m tired of learning the same damn lesson over and over again. I’ve learned it… Haven’t I? … Any? … At all?

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Happy 18th birthday Alan, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.

I sent Alan a farewell letter early this morning. I got a friend from the online world to re write my version of the letter, as everything I wrote just sounded to accusing and stupid and sorry. I called his house when I got home from work, and he’s off on a cruise that was arranged for by his school. So maybe he’s off having the time of his life right now. Maybe he’s having it with someone else, too. Nothing I can really say or do about that. I can’t even try anymore. It’s going to be so hard.

Work was horrible. I thought I had won the affections of some people… But yet I still sometimes hear them laughing, and sometimes looking at me. And they never laugh when I do, or smile when I do. They speak in monotone. And the only person who talks to me is Cathy, and she is a hard person to follow. Makes everything dramatic.

I don’t seem to be as peppy with the customers as when I first started working. I just can’t keep it up for 8 hours straight. I remember how they used to say it was nice to have a happy person working there. Now I know why the older employees never do it anymore, either. Food Lion just kind of does that to a person.

I was supposed to go out bowling with the teenagers from the “front end” department of Food Lion. It was supposed to be so everyone could get to know each other better. A bonding experience. But as I was talking my friend Kelly today, and all these different people have plans to bring their own friends along. It just kind of defeats the purpose, and makes me lose interest, since there will obviously be cliques forming quickly. And it doesn’t start until 10-11 PM, anyway… I haven’t been able to stay awake past 9-10 PM all this week. I’ve been crying off and on for a couple of hours, and it has my eye lids heavy. I doubt I will make it. I told them that if I didn’t show up in time not to wait for me. I just hope they don’t call me at 10:30 at night to check to see if I am coming.

I spent a couple of hours making small talk and catching up with one of my old online friends. One of my first online friends that I ended up talking to on a regular basis. I’ve known him since 1997, and it was good to talk to him and catch up on things. In some ways I’ve missed him. It’s been so long that I can’t remember just what exactly I missed. It was more of a sense than an actual feeling. Maybe I’ll IM him another day in the future. And then maybe he’ll e-mail me a couple of times. We’ll slowly get into a routine we used to be in. Back into an active friendship. I really need one right now.

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