No Title Given
I kept from calling Alan yesterday. Even thought I knew he wouldn't be home, it was so hard. I e-mailed him though. And he e-mailed me back, saying the same old things, and not answering any of the questions I had asked. I've discovered everytime I e-mail Alan, my hopes float so high. It makes me forget that we've borken up, because I am so sure that what I said could make him stop and think. That it could make him say "I'll think about it," instead of saying "just feel better."
I had to immediately e-mail him back... I had to keep the feeling. I'm trying so hard not to fall apart. I'm trying not to let this be a repeat of my last heartbreak. It was a different kind of letter. I wasen't begging him, and saying how hurt I was. It was a long letter. And I think it's the best I can do, the last I can do. I just ziped myself down the middle, shook whatever contents were left inside of me, and sent it in an e-mail.
I've been trying to write. But it all sounds so childish compaird to the adult relationship I had with Alan. So I went through my old poems. And I found one that fit... Almost to a frightening point.
How Selfish Was I
12-4-1998
How selfish was I
To think I could come, too.
How helpless I feel
With everyone comforting me.
How I've watched you
Shimmering out of my reach.
How strong am I for you
while I weep inside.
And how memories of childhood
Makes me wonder why I'm still alive.
How bitter am I
from the strain of the struggles.
How compassionate I was
swearing that I would die for you.
How I was loyal
While I helped you step over me.
How lonely I am here
When you touch me now.
How miserable am I
So I can entertain you.
How arrogant I was
To think you'd miss me while I was gone.
How I was refused
Form the warm feeling of someone's caring stare.
And how I pleaded with you
To remember that I was still here.
How I've changed
Into the monster that I am now.
And how I held my breath
So you would never hear me scream.
How I made the jokes
To draw the attention away from my scars.
How wrong am I
For being the only one who loved you.
How you never noticed
Me slipping farther down in your lies.
How forgotten am I
In my corner for the mistakes I made for you.
How trusting I was
While you destroyed my innocence.
How in love was I
To yearn that I could be you.
How I believed it all
Reaching for what I was never good enough for;
How selfish was I.