No Title Given
I feel so stupid, I feel so alone. Whenever I cry I get amazing anxiety attacks. I've never really had one before, but I think that is what they are. I just start kicking or flinching and it feels like heat flashes run down my back. They cause me to send e-mails to Alan about just what exacatly is on my mind that the time. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I can't scream at them, I can't make them understand, I can't make them make it better. I can't tell friends because no one wants to hear it. I can't tell Alan because all he gets is annoyed.
Why can't he realize how much this hurts me. Why won't he stop. He promised me he would never hurt me. It was stupid of me to believe him. I shouldn't have believed him. I shouldn't have trusted him. WHY CAN'T HE STOP THIS. I can't sleep full nights. And he's never home anymore. He makes himself busy. Doesn't know that kills me. He can't even make time to tell me I'm worthless now. He says he's going out with the same friend, but I don't believe him. I can't trust him. I CAN'T STAND THIS. Why can't be put himself in my position. Why can't he love me. He promised me he would. And this all sounds so fake and phony.
And it's pissing me off that I can't say anything that will change his mind. I can't do anything, I'm powerless. I CAN'T STAND THAT. I just want to scream. Everything that I want to tell him, the things that I need to tell someone, just makes him more angry at me. I can't even describe how I am really feeling. I just keep spouting the same feelings over and over. And it's harder for me to breathe when I cry. My whole chest just clamps up, and I can feel it. He's just going to start hating me like Carl. I can't stand being like this. But I want him to see me like this. I want him to see what he's done to me. He was my life.
Why does he keep denying me. Why won't he let me try again. WHY CAN'T HE LOVE ME. He didn't even talk about this with me. He just took one day out of his life and decided to change my life. It's not fair. Why can't he see it's unfair. Why can't he feel anything I say. How can he go from saying that he refused to break up and then to this. He doesn't know what is best, he doesn't know. He never talked to me. He isn't in the future. How can he think I could be better for someone else. How can he think there's someone better out there for him. What if years from now he realizes he was wrong. I'd never be the same, the person I am now is dead, and he would be wrong. I don't understand how he can take a bad month and have that be the only representative of our relationship. This is the one thing that has been keeping me alive for the past 2 years. How can he say he's happier now without me. How can this be better when I'm like this.
I've been through this before. I'm only 17, and it's happened to me twice. And it just gets worse each time. I keep having to create a whole nother version of me each time into something someone can love. I don't know if I can reinvent myself again. Each time I take the risk to trust someone. No one ever wants to keep me. WHY CAN'T HE LOVE ME. Why can't I be what he wants anymore. Why can't I be what he wants now. Why doesn't he think I can give him that. Why aren't I important. How can he change so quickly. Change into one of the monsters that I always told him I was so scared of. That was always when he promised he'd never leave me. And promise he'd marry me. Now I'm just damaged goods again. Why can't I say anything that could make him change his mind.
Alan doesn't know unhappy. There are so many things I could never tell him in fear that what is happening to me now would have happened a lot sooner. And I wish I could tell him them now, but it would only worsen my chances of being with him again. To make him see that he wasen't he only one hurting. My love was always stronger then my hurt. I want him to care. But I don't think he cares that I was hurting to, but that I kept trying. I want him to realize he should keep trying to. And I keep hoping for that. And for some reason, in an incredibly helpless way, I don't think he will ever change his mind no matter what I do. But I can't stop, for my sanity's sake. And it just keeps hurting.
I'm trying so hard to get this out of my system, I'm trying to feel like I'm talking to someone. I just wish I had someone to respond. Not the "You'll be ok," or "You'll see." I want to have someone hold me and say that they will make it better. To fix what this is, not to give me someone else. I feel like it's a race to get the poison out of my system. The one that's taken the glow out of simple things in life to me, the one that's taken my breath, and put the spikes in and outside of my body.
I had to change almost everything on my web site that mentioned Alan. And I was thinking about how happy I sounded. How happy I was. I thought about how I didn't want to change it. I thought about how maybe I should make copies of the original files, encase Alan changes his mind. I thought of how Alan will soon do the same thing to this web pages. And how I've already got copies of all of his files... Encase he doesn't change his mind.
Why do I feel like my pain and suffering just ruins everything. How can he let this ruin us. Nothing will ever be the same. And the longer we wait the farther back we'll be set. We'll lose everything.
My friends have said that he is an asshole. The way he broke up with me, the reason he broke up with me, the way he's treating me now. I don't know what to call someone who does this. Someone who promised me the world and then rips it away from under my feet.