No Title Given
Alan just broke up with me. He doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want me anymore, and I'm back to being some pathetic little puddle. Helpless and confused and feeling really unwanted. And it's my fault, like it's always my fault. I can't open my mouth without ruining something. I've never been able to, and I still can't now.
I don't know how many times I'll be able to have everything ripped from under me. To have to go back to the realization that I will probably die alone. I hate this feeling. I feel stupid. My whole body actually feels weak, like it can't support me. I feel like I have been physically pushed. Or thrown away.
I called Alan about an hour or so after it happened. I thought that he would change his mind if I asked. But it turned out he was sort of in a rush because he was meeting a friend and going to a movie. Going out.
I ended up crying like a little baby, sobbing... I never sob. I was asking, and I was crying "please." It was pathetic, and it hurt. To hear him just get aggravated at things I said. To hear him say he didn't want to try again. To ask if he still loved me just to hear him say... nothing.
My head just feels like one big hurt. The skin on my cheeks is already raw. I stayed home from school today, so I will have to go tomorrow. I will have to face people. It feels like Alan was my protection, and without it I'm naked with all of my weak spots exposed.
And it's my fault. My fault for making him think. My fault for letting him realize what he really had.