No Title Given
To follow up my rather childish journal entry on the 7th, I chose the lap top and took a day off from school to finish painting my room and hooking this computer up in my room.
Everything has just been going horribly. I keep getting angry whenever I see one of my closest friends with her boyfriend of 6 months, who is also my ex boy friend. I can't talk to Alan because no matter what I say, there is always a smart ass remark to everything, even though I have asked him not to. People on my bus make fun of me when I have my head phones on, and when I look around they're all staring and laughing at me. The UBB at unpretty.net, that I was so proud and excited to have, is shaping up to be a big flop. "Friends" in my classes keep ditching me for other people, and ignore me cruelly. Like I am dirty or something.
I used to think I was ok with seeing Lindsay and Carl together. I encouraged Carl to go after Lindsay, without really expecting her to accept. But even when she did, I was fine. I was happy for them. I thought they looked cute together, and how it was funny that she would have to use a step ladder to kiss him. But since I've been hanging out with her more, and with her friends, I hear them tease her about him, and how she'll tell stories "If I know him like I know him..." Surprisingly, there really isn't any emotional attachment to it for me. I guess I am just a bitter looser. That I never had him pull my chair closer to him. That he never made me soup when I was sick. That I was more of an embarrassment then something to be appreciated. I didn't even know he was capable of such sweetness. I feel like I've lost with a life's worth of training to someone who didn't even know there was a contest. And it stings a little. But things have been worse.
Maybe it was something like this that started my whole problem with Alan. I just get so angry when he asks me to "talk to him," and when I try, I just hear a lot of "uh-huh's" and what not in either careless tones or sarcastic tones. Or he makes fun of what I am talking about, or he'll take a cheap shot at me. He thinks it is funny. And I know he's not doing it to make me mad. But when I've asked him not to, and when he keeps wondering why I get upset when he does, I just get bored with him. It just shows a lot of disrespect. I hate being made fun of. I made a couple dozen sad attempts at suicide back in 1995 because I was so miserable from the way people joked about me. I am extremely sensitive to it.
Today on the bus, I was innocently listening to my music, and I look up and the person in the seat in front of me is turned around, staring at me with a semi-smile. I asked what was going on, and there was a lot of "no one was talking to you." Then Brian, the boy in front of me, looked at this other boy Mikey saying how he bet I heard what Mikey said. And I looked around the bus, and I overheard conversations that had come from Mikey's comment, them whispering"She's so weird" and then looking at me. I didn't do anything to them to provoke that. I hate them all.
There's this girl, Amanda, whom I have 2 classes with throughout the day. She's one of those people who feed off of other people's happiness because she can't make her own. Recently she reminds me of this fat blob with buggy fish eyes with slime around her mouth and that probing tongue jabba the hut (sp?). And recently, no matter how nice I am, now matter how funny I try to be, I am shaken off while she talks to others. "Better people." When I try to get her attention, she just barley tilts her head and looks at me out of the corner of her eye, if even that. It makes me lonely.
There was a motivational speaker that came to my school today, and since Alan did not seem to want to hear about it because "it's gay," I'm going to write about it here. He was this rather large black man with a booming voice. He was there for drugs, violence, and sex. He had been through everything, from killing his own brother out of rage to being shot 13 times himself. He was a powerful speaker. I had never heard the student body so quiet. When he went to take a breath, it was as if I was in the gym alone, it was so quiet. He told stories of rape and drugs, and had many people crying, and others actually thinking. His name was Joe Jennings. He is a beautiful human being.