No Title Given
I talked to Alan this afternoon. It wasn't a good conversation. I was quiet. But not because I was thinking. I was listening. Maybe too much, or maybe too little. But since the conversation, not more than 15 minutes ago, I am wondering.
I am so unhappy in my life right now. I do not have a time to rest anymore. Smiling, speaking, moving; interacting altogether just seems to take so much effort. At one point I thought it was My Job. At another, I thought it was a creative block that had me edgy. School also appears in my list of reasons. But I thought... What if it is my relationship with Alan?
Since my visit to Alans, I've been turning thoughts over and over in my mind. He didn't really do anything wrong, or anything that it all could be blamed on, despite the things that happened while I was there. But it makes me feel sick. When I think of how hard he tries, and how much I know he loves me. But I feel so plane lately... Plane about us.
I've thought that maybe I'm in love with the idea of security and protection that I know he will achieve. Maybe it is the compliments, the things he buys me, the person who is always there when I need to talk. Maybe those are the reasons why I cannot leave him. Because of the great person he is when we don't talk about our different opinions. Whenever I have these thoughts, I get pictures of Alan out, or me and Alan, and look at them. I tell myself, "I love him," after studying them for a second. "Yeah, I love him."
I in the fall of 1998, when my friend Vince and I lived close to each other, and we would spend lots of time together and talk. How he used to talk about this girl he knew, and how she had fallen in love with some guy. How Vince thought she just grabbed onto the first stable thing she found, saying she found love, when she really hadn't experienced it yet. That, of course, was me. What if he was right? I am so afraid to leave Alan... for both of our sakes.
It's like I'm worried what I'll miss. That is what it feels like. So is it still love? Is it missing him or what he represents in my life? I do not feel it, but what if it is a subconscious curiosity of other people?
God, I feel awful writing this. Because I know, without doubt, that Alan will eventually read this. I am sorry, my lover. For a whole month I have not had the strength to bring up such a conversation. I don't want to being up a conversation such as this, that will inevitable end up with me having to make a decision right then and there. That is not what I want.
Maybe it's our differences. Or maybe I lost whatever it was that was tucked away in my heart. Maybe it just ran it's journey through my system. Or maybe it's just the cold weather. Or maybe it is everything else in my life. I feel like I want to quit My Job and drop out of school. Maybe I just want to quit everything.
I don't want to lose the person whom I have known for almost 2 years. But I feel like I want to lose the obligation. I want to lose the romantic connection. Who knows what is causing it. Who knows how long it will last. I don't feel that I can be so close to him anymore. Hell, maybe it was the things that happened in Kentucky. I don't want things to be sad. I want things to be the same, yet different. The thought of one day having to look for another person to travel though the same steps I did with Alan already makes me tired. Is it worth it? Losing what me and Alan have? Is there something to lose? Something anymore?
I don't know. I don't even know if anything I wrote is the truth. I write one thing, and another thought comes into my mind. And then that will conflict with something I wrote before. I don't understand these feelings. They hurt and make feel get choked up. I don't know what to make of them.
"And we just had those pictures taken."