Archive for January, 2000

No Title Given

Snow on 012500
Click on the image to the left to see a picture taken on this day. It’s outside this room’s window (pop-up)

School was closed for my area because of the snow storm that spun up the east coast at the last minute. Before I had gone to work, there was a 40% chance of less than an inch of snow. By the time I got home, they were predicting 8-12 inches. When I work up, there was about 4-5 inches on the ground. Now there’s about 8 1/2, and it is still snowing. Still snowing a couple of hours after it was supposed to have stopped. My school has already announced that it will be closed tomorrow, also.

I’ve always loved snow. It reminds me of a warm blanket laid all around. Around 11 this morning, I decided it would be cute to see how Jazzy, my cat, would react to the snow. The first time, when I was in my PJ’s and slippers, she almost ran off the porch. That is, until she went to walk and her front paws sank in the snow. The next time I had on books and lots of socks so maybe I could follower her. But that time she kept crawling back to the door.

No Title Given

I talked to Alan this afternoon. It wasn’t a good conversation. I was quiet. But not because I was thinking. I was listening. Maybe too much, or maybe too little. But since the conversation, not more than 15 minutes ago, I am wondering.

I am so unhappy in my life right now. I do not have a time to rest anymore. Smiling, speaking, moving; interacting altogether just seems to take so much effort. At one point I thought it was My Job. At another, I thought it was a creative block that had me edgy. School also appears in my list of reasons. But I thought… What if it is my relationship with Alan?

Since my visit to Alans, I’ve been turning thoughts over and over in my mind. He didn’t really do anything wrong, or anything that it all could be blamed on, despite the things that happened while I was there. But it makes me feel sick. When I think of how hard he tries, and how much I know he loves me. But I feel so plane lately… Plane about us.

I’ve thought that maybe I’m in love with the idea of security and protection that I know he will achieve. Maybe it is the compliments, the things he buys me, the person who is always there when I need to talk. Maybe those are the reasons why I cannot leave him. Because of the great person he is when we don’t talk about our different opinions. Whenever I have these thoughts, I get pictures of Alan out, or me and Alan, and look at them. I tell myself, “I love him,” after studying them for a second. “Yeah, I love him.”

I in the fall of 1998, when my friend Vince and I lived close to each other, and we would spend lots of time together and talk. How he used to talk about this girl he knew, and how she had fallen in love with some guy. How Vince thought she just grabbed onto the first stable thing she found, saying she found love, when she really hadn’t experienced it yet. That, of course, was me. What if he was right? I am so afraid to leave Alan… for both of our sakes.

It’s like I’m worried what I’ll miss. That is what it feels like. So is it still love? Is it missing him or what he represents in my life? I do not feel it, but what if it is a subconscious curiosity of other people?

God, I feel awful writing this. Because I know, without doubt, that Alan will eventually read this. I am sorry, my lover. For a whole month I have not had the strength to bring up such a conversation. I don’t want to being up a conversation such as this, that will inevitable end up with me having to make a decision right then and there. That is not what I want.

Maybe it’s our differences. Or maybe I lost whatever it was that was tucked away in my heart. Maybe it just ran it’s journey through my system. Or maybe it’s just the cold weather. Or maybe it is everything else in my life. I feel like I want to quit My Job and drop out of school. Maybe I just want to quit everything.

I don’t want to lose the person whom I have known for almost 2 years. But I feel like I want to lose the obligation. I want to lose the romantic connection. Who knows what is causing it. Who knows how long it will last. I don’t feel that I can be so close to him anymore. Hell, maybe it was the things that happened in Kentucky. I don’t want things to be sad. I want things to be the same, yet different. The thought of one day having to look for another person to travel though the same steps I did with Alan already makes me tired. Is it worth it? Losing what me and Alan have? Is there something to lose? Something anymore?

I don’t know. I don’t even know if anything I wrote is the truth. I write one thing, and another thought comes into my mind. And then that will conflict with something I wrote before. I don’t understand these feelings. They hurt and make feel get choked up. I don’t know what to make of them.

“And we just had those pictures taken.”

No Title Given

I’ve attempted to start entries for this many times this week. I just did not seem to have time, energy, or patience for it all. It’s been an active week, I suppose.

I had a 4 day weekend from the 15th to the 18th. I spent the first two days working, as I always do on every Saturday and Sunday. Sunday went better then most, though I found out some unhappy news. Tobin, the manager of Food Lion, whom I really liked, was transferee to a Culpeper Food Lion. Tobin was very passive on a lot of things; I heard people had said he was too comfy with the workers. I don’t understand why they would move him; he had the most profit to expenses than any other store around. Maybe he’ll come back. Hopefully. My ass will probably get fired sooner or later, with someone more strict running everything.

The other 2 days of my 4 day weekend was spent working on my room. I successfully bought $90 worth of stuff from Target. It is making my room look better, non-the-less.

I also was able to construct a layout idea. If I can find enough pictures for it, it just might make it up to finally retire this FDR-like layout. I’ve said that many times before. Hopefully I can actually follow through.

On Tuesday, we had a nice dusting of snow here. It happened late in the morning, and lasted until about mid afternoon, and it gave a lovely show. It looked pretty. I was hoping that I would not have to go to school the next day, since it was the start of a new semester and all.

First period, I was stuck with the class called Algebra 1, part 2. This was the intelligent solution thought up by my guidance counselor to fix my problem with math. I did pass Algebra 1, but I got straight F’s in Algebra 2. I am still swearing it’s was the teacher’s fault, but they don’t put those explanations in my grade records. At least I can stand the teacher. She seems cool.

Second period I have Computer Accounting, which is ironically in the same time slot that I had Accounting last semester. At least I wont be out of rhythm, or whatever. But that also means I have a 18 more weeks to deal with Mr. Harner. He is a nice guy, but he honestly is not bright, as most seriously religious people are.

It just to happens that my Computer Accounting class is located in the same room where I had first period last six weeks. And I remember, about a month and a 1/2 before the class ended, the tech people at the school spent a good afternoon hooking all the computers up to the internet. When Mr. Harner gets the room, he sees the bright yellow and grey cords for the internet, since they are really the only cords that have to travel above the desks. He said they made him “nervous.” So he spent an hour and a 1/2 unhooking all of them. I don’t know, that pissed me off. Maybe it’s because I 1/2 wanted to be on the internet, but also because of the effort put into putting them in not too long ago. They had to buy new cords in order to hook up that room. It’s wasted money. I don’t think he should be allowed to do that; if a student even changes a screen savor on a computer, they could be kicked out of the class. Shouldn’t the same apply to a teacher who is not apart of the technical support of the school?

Though my classes are not of best taste, I like my lunch. This time I had lunch A, and I also have good friends in there. So I wont be standing on some imaginary island by myself eating my food. It’s good.

3rd period, I have my old, faithful teacher, Mr. Dahl. He used to teach Multi Media, until a newer class replaced it. I had been wondering what they would stick him with… And when I saw it, I was really disgusted. As usual, I am pretty much the only girl in this room. It’s hidden way back in a deep hallway, and there’s lots of twists and turns to get to it. It’s painted with cheesy pictures done by art classes of the past. I guess that was the room where they practiced their art work, because it was really horrible. The computers are at least 3 years old, and all dusty, with pieces here and parts there. It was horrible. And from listening to my fellow students, it should be interesting: most or all of them were going on and on about fucking girls, and comparing how long they had been expelled that year. I can’t remember who won.

When someone says “Tech Foundations,” doesn’t someone think of computers, or learning the basis of computer technology? No. Mr. Dahl ran off about how we would be making things like little cars to see which ones would glide the farthest, and shit like that. Doing “some drafting.” What the hell? I love Mr. Dahl to death; he kicks ass. But I do not think his class is something I would like to pursue. I’ll give it a week.

4th is a good class to have at the end of the day. It’s Consumer Math. Meaning, we have whole chapters devoted to “buying clothes,” or “making good decisions.” Easy.

And today… I got to stay home from school on a “snow day.” We got about 4 1/2 inches of snow. But by the afternoon, it was probably barley an inch left, in the deep areas. I’m talking to my friend Sandy, and she’s going on and on about how she wants to stay home again tomorrow, or something. But I think we’ll be lucky to get a 2 hour delay in the morning.

No Title Given

I am home from work, since I had the great hours that are 7:45 AM to 2:30 PM. And since I really have nothing better to do, I thougth I might put a little effort into this.

At first I thought I would be stubborn and wait until I came up with a new layout before I updated my pages. But 1/2 way through the month, and I am still fucking empty handed. I am just too fucking lazy, I suppose. Or I have been to busy. I am not sure. I’ve seen so many web pages that busted through with brand new pages, and have had perfect journals since the first. I wish I had thought of that, or had anything to do that with.

Going to Alan’s was… It was good to see him. Me and him both have said that the trip was not good as it could have been. “Wasted opportunity” was said by someone. Probably Alan. It almost caused us to break up, because there was sight of things I do not think I could live with and be happy with if they did continue. There are personal details that contributed to the trip’s failure, but to save some sort of privacy, I am keeping that to myself. This is mainly just a note to myself so I can remember later, if I ever happen to go reading back through these.

When I came back to school, some interesting things had been going on with one of my guy friends. My homosexual guy friend. (I feel bad saying “my homosexual friend,” but I am trying to respect the fact that he has not come out yet.) My friend was able to successfully expose a mutual friend of ours as also homosexual. I was shocked at first, and then got all giddy at the thought of them hooking up. But sadly, it twasen’t meant to be. Only one of them was interested. Damnit.

I’ve known both of these people for at least 5 years, and one I have known since pre school. And I’ve spent more time with them, talked to them more, in the past few weeks then I may have ever in a certain period of time. I know I used to be hostile to the person of “new discovery” for years and years. But now I am so interested, so fascinated… It just erased any of the stupid assumptions I had of them. I think homosexuals and bisexuals are better people in general, and it proved me wrong in a lot of situations me and him had had in the past. Someday I think I will tell him that.

My project lately has been to furnishing my room. I’ve spent a good amount of my money buying things to make it look better. I’ve taken down all the posters, I’ve got new bed sheets and curtains and blinds. I’m planning on putting some new wallpaper up, also. I’m trying to go for an oriental design. I hope I can do it and not burn a negative hole in my pocket.

My exams are over. And so with this weekend came the end of a semester of school for me. It does not feel that long, and I will miss my classes, as every student in the school will get 4 new classes on Wednesday, to replace the 4 old. 4 classes the first semester, 4 the second, for a total of 8 classes. I was drifting easily though hazy days of school, not even knowing or caring what day it was. I took it a lot for granted. I’m going to miss the environment and the mix. I just hope this coming semester is as laid back as the first.

After I had finished my last to exams, it was around 11:20, and most of the school was leaving early, as they had already taken the exams for 3rd and 4th the previous day. I had plans to go with my friend Sandy and Jennifer to Charlottesville (sp?), which I had never been to. The experience was great, though I know I dragged them though a lot of stores with furnishing things that they didn’t want to go through, but they were polite about it.

Somewhere alone the line, Jennifer got a little glum, and was spending a lot of time with her mother, who happened to be working at the mall we were at. She would say “I’ll catch up with you.” So we dragged her into a clothing store, and she was gushing over the dresses. Sandy suggested Jennifer tried one of them on, and she was about to decline, but I chipped in and said I would, too. So, we tried on the slinky dresses that i would never the caught dead in. I made a complete fool of myself, dancing around and shaking my butt. I got Jennifer to laugh. We ended up going to Gadzooks, Sears, and Belk to try on prom dresses. Sandy even joined in at the end. It was fun.

We stayed out until about 7:45, or that is when I got home. It’s a long drive from there to my house. Maybe an hours worth of dark curvey roads. It felt good. I felt fresh. And liked again.