No Title Given
){kind=small}
Click on the image to the left to see a picture of me taken on this day. (pop-up)
Maybe it's the pictures I have been adding to my journal messages that are drawing attention. Or maybe it's that I actually have something to write about. Or maybe it's something. But my site, my journal especially, has been generating a lot of attention. It's amazing. Just when I thought for sure people must be fed up of this aging layout, everything turns around full circle. So, the pressure for a new, beautiful layout is on. I want something new by new years. Hopefully. Maybe. Possibly.
After I wrote yesterday's journal entry, I waited patiently for Alan to sign on. When he did, I told him I wished for him to read it. And of course, a somewhat painful conversation unfolded. About how I want so much of only one thing, and how Alan thinks he may have failed as a boyfriend for giving me everything else under the moon except time with him. Which is all I've ever really asked for.
Though it upset Alan, it actually made me feel better to bring up some bad emotions. It made me feel as if I was being heard. And understood. But taking that route, of course, came on to the topic of breaking up. Sometimes, when I was left home alone, I did think about that. I thought about reasons why I should and should not. But obviously I was never able to really carry out a decision like that. No matter what I would be feeling. I would be even more miserable without him. And while I was talking to him yesterday, and having him hurt and acknowledge my pain, I was no more able.
I quickly tried to move on from the subject. He had already told me he would be forced into a lose/lose situation if he did like I wanted. Which means the problem will have to stay. I told him that I would have to work something out with myself. I doubt that will really ever happen. I told him that I knew if he thought he could do something, he would. So it is just my quiet problem again. But I've already chosen what I want to keep and what I want to risk.
There will no doubt be undertow from this for a couple of months. And this time it could come from either him or me. The problem is just dormant for now. Who knows when it will resurface again. Hopefully not soon.