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Click on the image to the left to see a picture of me taken on this day. It's of my new class ring. (pop-up)
I say so many things that carry all seriousness I am capable of, and they are brushed off as things that are not as quite important as events or jokes I participate in. As if they assume that I must be one of those anal people that no matter what I say, it all falls into categories of being pointless and insignificant. As if all I want is immediate reaction to what I'm saying at that moment, but otherwise it doesn't mean that much to me.
And also. I hate it when there are things you can say is wrong, explain why it's wrong, and scold others who do it, and actually be angry at them for doing it. But then when I am put into the same situation, no understanding of wrongness can make me not feel it myself. And then I feel ashamed in a way, and then I get even more so angry with the whole situation. Then I feel bad when it is obvious that something is wrong with me, and the person who is generating it is persistent on asking me what is wrong. And I can't say, because it's wrong. But I can't stop myself from feeling it. And it hurts me more not to say.
I have asked Alan again and again not to leave me alone. If that means not going out with friends, it means not going out with friends. And that is, of course, where I am wrong. But no amount of reasoning can stop me feeling horrible when he's gone. When I know he's out having fun, and I'm home alone, doing nothing, because I didn't plan anything during that time so that I could spend time with him. I don't exactly stop my whole life at 6 because I need 5 hours for homework.
If there is anything that can make me change my feelings, or break promises, is when things I request are ignored. I don't keep asking repetitively because I enjoy being a nagging little bitch. It has been because I didn't want what is happening now. I can almost feel myself losing interest, losing feeling, and there's no amount of convincing that can reverse that. I've tried. And this journal entry is the best way I can tell him. To answer any questions, because I can not pump out responses on the phone when I am upset like he'd like me to. By no means I do not want to lose him. But maybe this will help him understand what the phrase "breaking point" means. How I've been telling him and telling him I was close to it. And how I'm telling him now I'm falling off the cliff.
It's just his decision now.