No Title Given
I really hate sitting here all evening, playing sappy music from the "City of Angels" sound track, while crying. I really hate it. But what else am I supposed to do? I feel so distant from the one I love, so very d i s t a n t, and I am desperate to talk to them. So I wait. Having my heart skip a beat when my stupid "buddy in" sound plays, which then leads to maximum disappointment that it's not even one of my good friends. I watch TV, I play Free Cell... I've repeatable asked him to tell me if he's not going to be here to talk, because I cancel things with my friends, I sacrifice my homework, for this. Because that is what I do. One would probably eventually get annoyed with someone continuously challenging how much they love them. But when you're not given much room to think otherwise, then what?
The past month has been ruff; with close calls for breaking up, and we're talking less... and less... It terrifies me. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything anymore. None of my feelings. Because they always make him upset, or I make him feel bad. And it becomes my fault. I feel like everything is on thin ice, and anything I say with any emotion behind it could make it crack and break my heart.
I cannot take having my heart broken again. I barley survived the first one. I nearly destroyed myself. I can't take the pain in my chest, or hot tears for hours.
I could easily be over reacting. It's common knowledge I do that a lot. But I don't care; right now, this is what I am feeling. Right now. And regardless if I am right or wrong, is it really fair to have room to think of it at all?
I've also noticed over the past month (and actually, in a way I new all along) that I am prone to being unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when I was growing up I was always the separate one in a corner somewhere. Maybe I am so paranoid now because I could never fully trust when I was younger. I was made promises that were not kept. Promises that meant so much to me, things that I wanted to badly. And it was always especially the ones I loved that I could not trust. A puppy can only be kicked so many times until it learns not to come back.
On a... happy... note, I am learning how to do flash. The next version of my web pages will include it. Which also means I will probably have to change my address, since Freespeech.org is anal and won't allow it's users to have any files other than the bare necessities; it's against their stupid Terms of Service. I went looking though my guestbook, and found the entry I was looking for: shaken.org offered to host me way back in July. I went to their site, and lucky me, she was accepting 3 new hostees, so I filled out the form.
Anyway... Back to flash. I downloaded a 30 trial program by macromedia. To get a registered version, it is $269. Hmm. Now I need a job, because I know my cheap ass parents won't even go 1/2 with me on it.
Oh, that reminds me. Dollar General only accepts people over 18 to work there. Well, at least the one here does. Now, what the fuck could they possibly sell so that a 16 year old cannot work there? Assholes.
For the past few weeks, I've been telling everyone about Alan coming down for October. Though I didn't really mean it for a lot of people, I told them all "When he comes down here you can meet him." Alan told me the other day that a college there on Fort Knox has been offering an accredited A+ and MCSE class. Wow. If he took those he could be "set for life." The informational meeting for them is going to be tomorrow. If he decides to do it, he'll start October 2. Around the same time we had planned/hoped he would be able to come down. Peachy. I can't tell him he can't. It would solve all of this "I'm going to be living out of a car" fears, because he could get any job he wanted. Him coming down seems so small compared to that. But I still would be very disappointed... I was really looking forward to it. A lot.