No Title Given
I haven't made any updates in a while. There's a lot to catch up on; a lot I want to write. But right now none of that is really important. I believe Alan is avoiding me again.
Every time he's been "thinking" he decides not to talk to me, and he does not even bother to e-mail me back when I ask where he is, or he will stretch truths to excuse his absence, until he figures out what to do with the problem. This, of course, only happens when it deals with me or us. Obviously. He has done this a couple of times now; the last one was not too long ago. He pulled this on me the week, and then he called me, with all intentions of breaking up with me.
Maybe he's been busy, tired, sick, or whatever. Maybe. It appeared he was out late last night, as he didn't read the e-mail I sent him until 12:40 something; so maybe he slept in until 3. Maybe. (His sister signed on Alan's screen name, and when I IMed her, she said he let her use his computers, and that he had just left for work. No time there for him to sign on, I guess.) Regardless of what is really happening, he has made me paranoid of any actions that even resemble avoiding. Any.
What makes me so aware and on edge for it, is whatever he has to say after not talking to me for the usual week, usually hurts more when I realize he decided to avoid me completely, not letting me in, while he sits on something that would drastically change both of our lives. If I have problems, I work them out with him, one on one, whether I like it or not. He deserves to hear if it affects him. But maybe that is another one of the things that I do for him and automatically expect in return. I guess I am bad with those.
Writing this is actually making me feel better, but also just more angry. I haven't been able to freely speak about this before; either my friends are too busy to listen, or I refrain from writing it here because I'm scared of Alan being offended when he reads it. I hold a lot of things back for fear of upsetting him. That has to do with past experience, as I am too blunt for my own good when I open up as much as I want.
Whether or not he is actually avoiding me at the moment, it feels good to be writing old frustrations out.
I have always done to others what I want in return. That probably came from when someone at sometime once gave me a taste of my own medicine, but hell if I can remember an exact moment. Ever since, I have not said much (unless I was beyond the point of just being "furious") or done anything without putting myself in the persons place or situation. I do this before, or soon after, almost every time I have contact with any living thing. I know I have sometimes acted on raw emotion, and usually if I sit and think about it, I'll give out my apologies. A lot of those who have e-mailed me with the wrong kind of questions have learned that.
I try to keep compassion at all times, and I have done that so much for so long, I expect nothing less than the same consideration in return. Looking back on the last couple of years, the lack of that respect from others is the only thing that has been able to push me over the edge. Whether it is directly or indirectly.
More times than not, when I am going out with friends, or have to be somewhere period, I e-mail Alan and tell where I am and how long I'll be gone, whether or not I think he'll be online. I try to e-mail Alan first and tell him before I do anything. Though sometimes I can not always do that, I will either just stay home or not stay as long as I wanted to make up for it. To me, it's not really the option of "Oh, maybe he'll be offline," or "I don't think an extra hour will matter." Whether he will be online or not, I e-mail him, so that he won't be up waiting and worrying if he does sign on. Sometimes I wonder if it is over protective and rude of me to expect that of him in return.
Recently he's gotten better. I don't expect him to not go out with friends and sacrifice his social life; I would just like some help in savoring my own. If I think he'll be online, I'll simply tell my friends I don't feel well, and cannot go. Yesterday was a good example: a lot of my friends were going to be at my school's home football game, and they wanted me to come. I stayed home so I could talk to Alan. I waited as long as I could, thinking that as soon as I left he would probably sign on. But he wasn't back until almost 1. And didn't reply to the e-mail I sent him.
I don't see myself in the wrong, but most people can't see themselves there, either. I can admit, though, a lot of my problems with this have to do with the the things I make up in my mind. I can put things together and create a whole new paranoia.
That brings up something else on my mind that I've pushed far back: I've never directly told him, but that is one of the biggest reasons why I do not want Alan to do drugs or drink or anything: people let down their guard when they are like that. I am opposed to drugs period, of course, but I don't have anywhere near as much passion against my friends taking them compared to Alan.
I just read over this journal message of so far. I don't want to post it. It is not only uncompassionate to Alan, because I'm not sure what emotions it will stir in him, but it's a perfect example of me being too blunt and opening up too much. But, then, I shouldn't feel ashamed to express how I feel. It's unhealthy. I could easily just save it on my computer; I did get it out, it's already served it's purpose. But then there's the feeling that it does not matter if I don't put it out with the rest of my journal entries.
I know a part of me wants Alan to read it. Just for him to know how I feel. These are not things that effect how much I love him. I'd give my life for him. These are just things that are slight annoyances. Like someone who bites their nails or cracks their knuckles. I'm sure Alan has some of them for me. He just does not have something like this to express them.
But he would if he'd only get his journal up. Damnit.