No Title Given
This is early for a guestbook entry, but I feel like doing it now, and I seriously doubt I'll feel like it later, because for the past week, I haven't felt like staying in this room for very long after 4 PM. This has been obvious for the past week from my lack of updates. Also, I doubt anything interesting enough will happen between now and tonight, so I figure, why not get it over with.
I wonder why I'm so damn lazy all of the time; I think of all these great things to do that would make things better, yet days slip by without me doing more than thinking of other times to do them. I've been working on a new layout. It's not coming along as I planned, and when I finally get a breakthrough, it will not be as good as this site, I'm afraid. Realizing this over the past few days has made me cranky.
Maybe it's the books I've been reading, or some subconscious dreams I can't remember having, but I've been feeling more... I don't know... sexual. It seems to be the only thing on my mind: everything and anything pertaining to sex. Hmmph. I thought I was over that phase. It must be all the smut books I'm reading, or I'm on withdrawal. Or I'm just making up for all the time when I dreaded it during puberty.
I went back to school shopping last Wednesday. If my mother had not asked me to go, I would have forgotten. I'm not as materialistic as I used to be, and I'm sort of drifting through time; it scares me that I start school in a week. Where in the hell did my summer go? My mother said it would probably go by faster since I went to Kentucky, but jesus. I bought clothes that I liked, ones that I felt good in, and not really caring what they looked like on me. I bought semi-big shirts, nice and comfy, and stayed far away from those evil little tight shits that make me look like a triangle shaped creature. I also bought red sketcher boots. Oh, hell yeah. I wanted to put a picture of them up here from the sketcher site, but it's not up yet. Damnit.
I also started messing with my hair again. In a way, it felt good to have had no chemical in my hair for so long, and it still looking great. But, I hate the color. I want it more red. Naturally, it's a mixture of red and brown, with allot of ash in it, which means it looks green in certain lights. I hate that. I recently went to Sally's and got some big-time hair die. My mother uses a card from an old friend who gave it to her, so we couldn't really ask for help on which color dye would make it the color I wanted, or those working there would know my mother was not a pro, as the card she had says. So, we winged it. I don't think we really got the wrong color, but when we put it on, my mother insisted it was alright for me to have what I already had in my hair: the shampoo in hair color stuff. Well, it must have had a chemical reaction, because the color came out VERY dark and almost a plum color, very different from the bright red I picked out. <sigh> This Wednesday we're going to try again with a much lighter shade. I hope my hair does not fall out.
No Title Given
My site has created a few monsters out there. If I made something totally different from anything else, I should have expected from followers. One gorgeously design, but familiar site, is perfect addiction. I'm now starting to know what it must have felt like when the people I "borrowed" from came to my site and saw it. I don't know if they had a temper like I do, but I an just shy of the danger area of exploding, and the only thing that is stopping me is that these followers are my friends, and have displayed nothing but kindness to me. Sweet, loving, and dirty kindness. I hate having to sit on my hands because I feel obligated. I just feel robbed. Now, if I ever find any punk ass stranger who did the same thing...
<sigh> Such a boring, boring day. I made ICQ skins. I make the new skins page. I had a poetic outburst, and it was only one line of words. I can't even remember them now. I've started wrapping up stuff for the Envious Site Contest, so maybe it'll finally start. My webring's are backed up, but it isn't keep me up at night. I think I may need to get some ring helpers, maybe.
Alan showed me his senior pictures today. And he smiled, by god. I was hoping he would. I think it looks so much better on him. Yeah :ehh:
My friend Michael is dyeing his hair blue, and actually is finishing up rinsing and what now as I write this. I'm glad he is doing it. He seems to have some sort of passion to die his hair blond all of the time, and I'm sick of it and I hate it. I tell him all the time, and since he seems to take everything I say as a national opinion, I always hope it will persuade him not to. Then the next day he's a toe head. Tomorrow we're gonna go do something... We don't know what yet. I'm just glad to get out of the house. And I'll be proud to flaunt Michael around anywhere. I'm glad he's getting out of his self conscious stages.
I have all these ICQ skins, and no fucking person to talk to on ICQ. Alan doesn't seem to want to use it, and all the other people I know that have it also have AOL or AIM, and they'd rather talk through one of those. Damnit. I thought everyone loved freaking ICQ.
It's a little depressing. Only 13 days left of summer, and I'm just now starting to show a little life, just starting to make some waves. Or whatever. It's depressing. I keep thinking about how Alan his a senior, I actually forget that I'm not. I've got a whole other year of school after the one coming up. And it's like... Shit. For most of the summer, subconsciously I've always known I'm going to be a junior, but the thought of this not being my last year almost blows me away. Funny, I guess. 
But I seem to be concentrating on everything but school lately.
No Title Given
This morning I confronted my mother, asking if she had spoken to my dad. She said she hadn't, that she didn't think I was ready to drive the 15 miles either. Somehow or another I got her to reluctantly change her mind, and she asked my father, who reluctantly said yes, also.
So, as part of the little deal, I gave her the Puffkin key chain. And she didn't like it. It's this little dog, and it looks more like a little pom-pom. She felt sorry for it that it couldn't see. She set aside. I said "You can cut it's fur if you want, I'm not going to stop you." And she did cut it. Cut it all off around the eyes and the nose. It looks more like a hedge hog now. But she seems to like it better.
I also convinced my mother to help me brush one of our cats, T-fee. He is an Angora (sp?) cat, or also known as a "Gentle Giant," which means he is like a Persian, but his hair is only about 3-2 1/2 inches long and it is not as thick. But, their fur still needs to be brushed regularly. Before we got my cat Jazzy, T Fee was the favorite cat, so with all the attention he got from us, he didn't need to be brushed. But since Jazzy came, no one wants anything to do with him. Or, my parents don't. He lays on the floor staring into space with his eyes 1/2 closed. I felt so sorry for him, so I made my mom brush all the crap out of his hair. It felt good to see him that happy again. Now I'm gotta brush his fluffy ass everyday in order to keep him happy. Oh well, I guess.
I called Michael, asked if he wanted to go bowling, and he said sure. With my luck, it started raining right before I was supposed to leave. I had to battle off all of the "May this isn't a good idea"'s and stuff. I had to collect my neglected bowling ball and shoes from the garage, and then I was free to go pick Michael up. I left at about 4:50. We had to be back at 8:30 or 9, I think.
The bowling allie that we were supposed to go to was the first one you came to. Actually, this bowling allie is about a mile before the big part of Fredericksburg starts. But me and Michael decided to go to Planet Fun, a bowling allie way way deep into Fredericksburg. We got there fine.
I was able to bowl. No messing up, no pulling muscles, no slamming down on my face. I even broke 100. Poor Michael, though -- he only got a 40 or a 50 some. In the back of my mind while we were bowling, I had the thought that my mother might call the bowling allie to make sure I was there. (And sure enough, when I got home, my mom said she called and I didn't answer. I simply told her I didn't hear it.) I didn't feel like bowling another set, and neither did my money. Planet Fun is more expensive than the normal AMF that we were supposed to go to.
Then, we were sitting out in the parking lot, trying to think of someplace to go. We decided to go to Central Park, which is the newest development area in Fredericksburg for big name stores. We ended up walking blindly though Borders. I couldn't buy anything, because then my parents would know we hadn't stayed at the bowling allie. And Michael didn't have any money. It was a quarter till 6, and we decided to go see if the mall was open. But it closed at 7.
Then we started on a hunt looking for some sweets or cakes of some sort. We ended up in a doughnut shop. We ate some, talked, and that took about 30 minutes. Then we just decided to give up and go home. I figured that if my parents had called AMF, then it would probably look good if I came home early. It ended up working in my advantage.
I learned how to make ICQ skins today. That's pretty kick ass, since I've been wanting to know how to since forever. It seems simple... Though the tutorial I was looking at was like many: they assume you have an idea of what they are talking about. I've created a few, but they all look like shit. Which pisses me off :ehh: I want to put something in my "Goodies" section that I actually made. Fudge. Maybe by tomorrow or something.
No Title Given
I am so pissed. I've actually had a day when I should be in the best mood, actually having gone somewhere, but I am pissed. I went out with Michael tonight to see a movie. On the way home, we were talking that maybe tomorrow I could drive into town... Sort of a switch off from one of us to the other day. So, when I came home, my dad was waiting up. I innocently asked him, "Do you think you'd let me drive to town yet?" And he said, "No, I don't think so." GRRRRR! He's such a mother fucker. A stupid mother fucker. There is no reason in hell why I can't. In my driving test I had proven that I am capable at driving on all different types of roads. But ohhhh no, that fucking bitch that was my driving instructor had to say "All she needs is practice." Out of all the things she could have said to him, that is the worst. Because now everything I ask to do something, it's "No, you don't have enough practice yet." Well, yeah you stupid bitch, I don't have any practice because I need experience to have it. Driving 1.6 miles to Food Lion is not going to get me experience.
I thought writing all that out would make me feel better. Instead, I still feel as angry. Angry to the point where I feel like I need to cry. And that just pisses me off more. asdkgjgjjgfjgjfgfj
My friend Tara dropped by today. She had called my house a couple days ago, but I had not called her back... I have not been able to call someone out of no where for a year or more. I just seemed to not feel comfy with it anymore, for no real reason. Maybe because I'm never on the phone anymore. Also, as chance would have it, she IMed me, and I wasn't in the room. So, when I didn't respond, she got in her car and came over here. She seemed mad at first, and I had a bad time explaining my little phone problem... So I got her laughing about how I don't know how to page someone, and all seemed to be mended. We sat around my house and talked for a 1/2 hour or so, and then she offered to show me her house. Since I had never seen it before, I said sure. She bad talked it the entire time, but her house is really very very nice... It easily reflects how much money they have. But it was good to see her again, and to talk to her. Beside the fact she gets drunk and high all the time, she hasn't changed much.
Right after Tara dropped me off, which had to be about 5-ish, Michael called around 5:20 to ask when to pick me up. We agreed on around 5:45. He came to my door, and of course my father couldn't go without saying "Drive careful." It insults me that he thinks me and my friends could be festering on the same level of stupidity as the kids who go 90 mph just because they can, just so they can have fun. It's insulting he actually thinks that.
So, me and Michael decided to go to the mall first. We walked around, looked in a few stores and ate Chick-fil-a. We saw our friend Ingrid, who was with some rather cute guy. It was obvious by her body language that she didn't really want to talk to us, and was a little embarrassed that we were. So, I felt the need to make her uncomfy by making a few inappropriate gestures and referring to her little boyfriend she had along with her. She blushed, and I knew I had embarrassed her more. It's so easy. Just walk into a room and say "Hey everyone, look at Ingrid!" and she'd be mortified.
Lucky for me and Michael, the movie we wanted to see was also playing at the mall, so we didn't have to cross the street to go to the other movie complex. We say Mystery men. It was an alright movie. I would like to say it was better than I thought it was, but I can't. I would like to say that it wasn't as good as I thought it would be, but I can't do that either. It rivaled my previous opinions in some ways, and others it disappointed me. All in all, a good movie.
<sigh> I was so looking forward to being able to drive Michael somewhere. Maybe if I tell them that He offered to accompany me bowling, which he did do, they would let me go. Maybe. I need to start bowling again. I miss it. When me and Michael were out walking around the mall before the movie, I bought a puffkin key chain for my mother. It's a little furry dog, and it's really cute. That little puffkin, who's name is "Shaggs," is going to help me drive tomorrow, because I have a plan. I'm going to go to my mother and hold the puffkin for trade to talk my father into letting me go. Yes. If that does not work, I'll just leave. Well, maybe... Possibly.
No Title Given
Slacker, slacker, slacker. I would like to say that I have been busy, running around, having a great time, and when the day is over, being just too tired from the day's previous activities to spend another 1/2 hour on the computer without getting well needed rest. I feel like that. But actually, I have been sitting on my ass in this very chair, staring at this very screen, working on other little projects that I may or may not have the time or energy to accomplish. And I've even drawn people in with me.
I started my little site contest. That has actually kept me up at night, a small thing like that. The coding for it. Web pages are the one thing I can still bring my mother in the room and say "Lookie, I made this," like most kids did when they were little, and be proud. And actually feel they deserve some credit or good words for their work. Just because they did it. I guess it's a good thing I only ask that of my mother, eh? I'd be a spoiled bitch, otherwise.
I want to redesign. I want to learn what I want to learn. Not history or math or various other dead people and what they did. I want to work. I need money. I don't want a job. I want Alan here, so I can hear him and see him and touch him. I want a cleaner house. I don't want to help. I want better CD's. I need music for my feelings. I want to drive. I need a car. I want fuzzy dice to hang from the rear view. I want food here when I want it. I need to go out. I want to go to fucking Red Lobster. Bitch bitch bitch, whine, cry, kick my feet, throw my fists. I'm unhappy here.
Hey... Maybe if I align all those words all pretty like, I can make a poem. I haven't written a poem in so long. Not one that I really felt, anyway.
Though it's not exactly shits and giggles entertainment, I've kept myself on the sane of sanity. I read a book about MPD. It has had me wondering about myself since, but I know I don't suffer from it. I've been having colorful and detailed dreams, ones with big fat fairies and tress with water fountains actually coming off of them. Dreams about people who my age died in car accidents, and everything surrounding the fact that it wasn't an accident. Dreams of fluffy clouds that roll back like bed covers. I get out of bed, and my right leg wouldn't work. I actually could look down and see my knee bending, and me not feel it. And then feel a tingly feeling that was sort of cold. I've been watching more TV, and I slept with the light on after watching MTV's Scared Straight. Alan seems to be more busy now with friends and work than he did during the summer. It leaves me here. Writing this. Wishing instead of being angry at him or having a life, that I had one of my own. My way of writing seems to have changed too. It seems darker.
Someone came to my site today from a certain review site (coughhttp://saucybard.com/review/sitereviews.htmlherecough) and I thought they might have written a review on mine. After looking, the answer was no, but I thought it was really great on how they reviewed the sites, and how well they did them -- I went ahead and submitted my site. Then I started to read farther down. I noticed that they had made 2 different site reviews on 2 different versions on my favorite site. I went to read it. And I was so utterly socked by what they said about her second version. It was utterly cruel and heartless. I'll admit it was not her best work, but they raped it of it's decency. I don't think they would have wanted someone writing something like that about them. I am almost dreading a return back from them. It would be my luck to get a review like that. And it would also be my luck to have those same reviewers come to my site and take offence. Oh well. Freedom of speech (especially at freespeech.org. heh. Corny.)
I had the urge to draw today. I wanted to draw a woman. A woman dancing and doing something interesting, something delicate with her fingers. I started on a form, but I messed up. New piece of paper. I wanted to have a woman looking at whoever was looking at the picture. Her eyes were crooked. I won't even mention her nose. New piece of paper. I thought I would try a profile view. I finished her head. It looked good. I started on the rest of her body, but it sucked. I erased it. I took a long look at the picture. It looks like Kaia from Real World Hawaii.
See, I know you're sitting there having trouble telling if it's an actual picture of her. Alright. It may not be the greatest thing in the world, but I usually draw cartoons. Things that look a little like "Stringy" here.
Yep. I should start a gallery of some sort. Gotta bare everything to the world, and all. I am having a strange feeling... Like I've been listening to music and now it's stopped. Like when everything suddenly gets too quiet. Ugh. I hate it when my mind tries to scare me. Paranoia.