No Title Given
The first weekend of my Junior year, pointless and homework free. Not much else to say about it, really. I've noticed a major decline in my writing for this journal. It all seems like I wrote it in teenybopper, and I can't get it to stop. Nothing really seems "philosophical" in my life anymore. I don't have time to sit and think anymore, and even if I do, I am too busy trying to write down every insignificant detail of the previous day to include it in an entry.
I drove to Fredericksburg alone today, for the first time. My father was in Maryland for bowling, my mother was tired after coming home from her mother's, so it was the perfect opportunity to take advantage of her. I asked to go, and she said no, obviously. But once I started stating the fact that I would be going, instead of asking, she didn't argue at all. Interesting. If only I had tried that before instead of bugging her for an hour or so and in turn working myself up into a huge furry.
I went to the mall to pick up that little surprise for Alan. Saying that will probably give away what I got him. He'll know what it is when he reads this. But oh well. I think he already knows, anyway, though he says he doesn't. This is the first thing I've ever bought him; been able to buy him, and if he wants to play stupid to go along with my idea of it being a "surprise," I'd prefer it that way. Makes it special, I supposed. Or something like that.
Speaking of Alan. This morning, after reading yesterday's journal entry, he said he actually felt a lot better. He said he was still going to marry me. Which took a huge weight off of my chest. While I was talking to him on the phone, the thought that ran through my mind was not that he was breaking up with me because he was in a difficult time in his life, but "he doesn't want me anymore" kept echoing. That made sleeping hard.
I cannot design a new layout. I have been trying and trying, but everything I do I usually find an almost exact same idea somewhere in my bookmarks. It is like I an subconsciously copying layouts that I have stored in my mind. And it's frustrating. Even if I try to put my own "kick" on the design, it just loses all it's magic, or any that it had.
No Title Given
Alan called me yesterday to break up with me. I had just gotten back from Fredericksburg. When he called, he said things along the line of, "I've been thinking..." I bluntly asked him if he wanted to break up with me. There was some more attempts at answering or starting what he was going to say, so I decided it was yes, and asked why. It had to do with how we are to different. He said that everyone said that we were so different, and he said he wanted exact opposites in everything. I suppose he got most of this during the last few phone calls we've had: If he started making comments about getting married after high school, I told him I didn't want that, because I don't want those responsibilities on me at such a young age; I cannot follow through with them. Or if he said "I want to live in the country and start a business right after high school." I would tell him I want out of the country and want to live in a city, and that I didn't think it was wise of him to start a business right after high school. He was basing my differences on that. This is a perfect example why I go on and on about how opinionated I am. I'll state my opinion, even if it does not mean that much to me. My whole life I've had to comply and live the way someone else wanted me to. Use the things I was given. Which means I take what I am given. The only thing I really want is to be with Alan. If I was able to have that, it would be a luxury in itself to me. Near the end of the phone conversation, he said he felt better. It wasn't until I was tossing and turning in bed when I realized that I could have talked/pitied him out of what he wanted to do. Or maybe he did actually feel better, having talked about it. I don't know.
I went with Michael into Fredericksburg today to pick up his sister from work. Michael had told me about some car trouble he had earlier in the day (he stalled out on a hill, flooded the engine, and had to let it sit), but he acted as if it was funny to look back on, and I could tell while riding in the car that there didn't seem to be any problems. It was just "jumping" around a little. Nothing more than what it usually does with his awful driving. After we picked Ashley up, his sister, he had trouble starting the car in the parking lot. He put some water in it, and it started right up after words. We were on our way to the mall, and it was the second to last stop light until the turn off to the mall. When Michael went to go on green, the car stopped, in the middle lane, in one of the worst areas for traffic.
He spent a good 10 minutes pumping the gas while cars zoomed by us, barley missing, and honking their horns and sending rude looks. Like we meant to be there. Finally someone in a car a little ways behind us, waiting for a stop light, said he would pull over to the nearest gas station and come back and help us put the car into the turning lane. It had not been more than 20 seconds after he had said that, when the car started. We met him at the gas station, thanked him, and he told us just to let the car run for a little while. He was really helpful. I honestly didn't think people could be so kind anymore.
I should write more often. I have to many things I want to write about, about how Michael always seems to piss other guys off on the road and the end up almost racing him. About how I'm actually doing all my homework in my classes. (Well, I have so far.) About how Alan is spending too much money on me (he will be giving me a new digital camera within a few weeks, or, that's what he said.) About how I bought a new kick ass "That 70's Show" poster. About how I'm planning a surprise for Alan, that is small but something I think he'd like, though I can't say it here, because he reads this. 
About how I'm keeping my room clean. It is stuff like this.
I am barley online anymore. It doesn't seem to have the mystery and the fun and the excitement that it did. I loved managing my webrings, now I'm lucky if I even check my stats at all. Managing them is a burden. This webpage is still something I enjoy, though I'm starting to feel self pressure about making a new layout for it. I am usually online to talk to Alan, but the past week he has been working and thinking, which leaves me with nothing to do online.
My mind is always changing. I am always tired, but when I sleep "enough," I get head aches. About how I waited and waited for Beverly's new web design, but I'm finding I do not like it as much as the others. About how I feel bad for Alan, how he is working so much, and how I felt when he told me his work, his school, his thoughts, and myself have been making him miserable. About how Michael complains about how unhappy he is, and about how he isn't in a relationship, when he really has no reason for all those feelings. About how angry I am that I have no started the Envious Site Contest, and while during my time of laziness other people have probably gone wild with the idea.
I am so lazy, I cannot even finish this journal entry.
No Title Given
Today was total crap. The magic of a new school year is all gone. The only highs are finding out who's pregnant and anything else tragic that happened to anyone over the summer. To my surprise, 2 people that are in my grade are pregnant, and I have classes with both. But there is no doubt more than those two girls. But, I have a little claim to fame -- I figured out they were pregnant, and by asking people, "Hey, is she pregnant?", I got conformation that I was right. First day, and I'm already on the ball, eh?
Michael drove me to school today... when I went driving with him before, he was telling me how paranoid he was to be close to the car in front of him, and he drived so nice... But in the stick shift he drove today, he tail gated people, barley avoided running into everyone in front of him... And he got smart with me when I told him to ease off. His driving actually scared me. We stopped at BJ's speedy mart, and I saw my old bus driver working there... She said she was glad as hell that she wasn't driving a bus anymore. I don't blame her.
This morning I got to see all my old groupies and stuff. When Lindsey came in this morning, I thought it was so cute that Carl followed her over like a little puppy dog. <sound of a whip cracking> A week, and she's already got him whipped.
First period was alright. The teacher was a new woman, and she seemed totally clueless and not really caring about anything. The people in that class are some of the main people who were involved in the riot the school had a few years back. They're gonna break her. Bad. At least I have my friend Stephen, who I share little sex tips with (heh), to entertain me while the shit heads work on the teacher. The class is not hard, but it is mainly just a glorified key boarding class. At least it's an easy A.
Second period, I had so many mixed emotions. I have accounting, and I thought this may be a class I wanted to drop. But after finding out how much money I make, and how little math skills it really uses, I just might make this a career for me. Web page designing, no matter how good I get and no matter what I may think, I have become to realize that I cannot make stuff for other people. I do not enjoy it; I can only do my own pages. So, if this accounting thing works out, I have decided that I will continue on that course. Good thing for me that next semester I'm scheduled to take the next level of accounting. I really hope it works out. Anyway.
That was the good emotion I felt about that class. I felt like I could actually do that for a living, and the class would be helpful. But the teacher, and the way he insisted on constantly talking about religion, did bother me. Actually, if offended me very much. I do not mind if he believes in god, but when he says "Yes, I believe in god, and I wont' hide it. I think that is the way it should be. If you don't believe, that's fine, but I'm gonna try to change your mind." This all being said in the most annoying and thick country accent. After all, he is just a "dumb old country boy," as he put it. It just bothered me that he talked so much about it, and every time he did, he would add ".. because I think that is the way things should be." It angers me so much. There is a separation of church and school. Period. I do not think it should be discussed, no matter how many religions it applies for. He talked about how he tries to never cursed, but how the devil always seemed to get ahold of him, and how the devil makes that word just push on forward. I cannot stand it. I'm in a class full of snobbish, close minded preps, but one day, if it gets to the point where he crosses my very short line, I may comment, or call the school and report it. But I doubt a school that has a god club would do much about it. Hopefully I can still learn what I need to learn, despite my stupid teacher.
Third period, I had a very big problem with. I had never taken a General level English class before, always had academic, so this was a new group of people to get used to. I should have been more prepared that I would have no true friends in that class, since most of the kids in there are rude, troublesome, and disrespectful. They have their moments of kindness, but otherwise, I hate dealing with them. The only one I really know well is James, and of course he knows other people in the class. What I hate about English classes: group projects and presentations. And this teacher promised allot of those. I'm very antisocial, I hate it when all eyes are on me, and for some reason teachers like grouping me with people who are popular snobs. Maybe they hope to convert me. But I never get the grade I want, because my other group members are always friends for some reason. But, this teacher seemed cool, which probably means she'll let us pick our own groups to work in. That's great. Just great. Since I know no one in the class, and no one really likes me, I will be left with no one to group with at all. I'll have to group with the teacher or something, or she'll cram me into another group, which will probably do the childish "Please don't add her to my group." I've actually had that happened before, my freshman year. Just great. It makes me sick with worry.
Lunch was also horrible. We used to have 3 lunch shifts. This year they thought they would be smart, save time and ring the bell less, and cut down to 2 lunch shifts. But someone had a major brain fart -- there's about 700 people trying to get lunch in each different shifts, and they didn't even consider making lunch longer. I was starving at lunch, but the line went far down into the basement hall, and it's just like, hell no. They also decided to take out the snack bar. So I was pretty screwed. At least Lindsey has lunch with me -- she was nice enough to let me have half of her packed lunch. Sometimes I think she's too nice.
Fourth block, US history general, I have allot of friends in there. People I haven't had actual classes with in a couple years or more, so it is great. The teacher is another Orange County resident all of her life, and she's very old -- you can tell by her face that when she was younger, she was the typical looking hick chick: not that bright looking, funny moving mouth, the rest of her facial features close together.. etc. She's losing her hair, she walks around too much, and she won't let anyone chew gum. I had such a hard time paying attention to anything she was saying, and anything that was being read out of text books. Maybe it was my massive head ache that I was sporting since second block.
Driving home was a nightmare. Michael, being the Michael that he is, had to drive his cousin Lee, his friend, and another girl, Ashley, along with his sister me and him. So, 4 people were crammed in the back seat. They were screaming out the window at people, smoking, and singing along loudly with the rap music that Michael played to impress them. He drove to show off, grinding more gears and making his tires squeal on a turn. I thought it was a little odd that the people in the back seat didn't even acknowledge Michael. They were in their own world. Michael talked to me some, but not that much. He spent time making sure he was as close as possible to the car in front of him. Every car that moved out from in front of him always turned around and gave him a dirty look. I don't think he ever noticed, though.
It was during that car ride that I decided, "Yeah, I could sell beanie babies to get a car. But, since it is late now, and I only had 5 hours of sleep last night, I need to save that for tomorrow. I cannot stay up anymore.
No Title Given
I don't think I have ever not wanted to go to school more before in my entire life. I'm usually interested in seeing all of my old friends that I never saw over the summer, what's new with the school, showing off to the under kids, and all that. But this year, I am taking classes I really have no desire in taking, not even the computer classes. They all have to do with business, and that is not the part of computers I want to build my career with. The only class I wanted to take, the new Digital Media class, I did not get in, for some reason. It deals with internet, and probably the reason why I did not get in is because allot of idiots that don't even know how to use a search engine signed up before me. If I don't take this class this year, I can't take it at all. My mother's calling tomorrow to fix my fucked up schedule.
There are new changes next year that I'll have to get used to, so it will be like starting high school all over again, with everything new and foreign. That automatically takes out showing off to the younger kids, as I mentioned earlier. There are now student ID's that you have to have visible at all times, less lunch shifts, and all that great stuff. Fun fun fun.
Michael just called me, and he reminded me that I almost forgot to put the key chains on my backpack. That is a must for the first day for me. I have to make a lasting impression -- can't lose my rap as the "bitch with the key chains." Heavens, no. And it turns out that Michael is only allowed to drive me and his sister. What I thought was cool, was that he's allowed to drive me, but not is own cousin. Heh. His mom likes me more.
Vince signed on today. I was almost sure I would never hear anything from him again. I'm actually talking to him right now, as I write this. He's in college at VT, and he's got a new kick ass computer, and he's sending me pics with his new quick cam. It's good talking to him again. Really good. I'm so curious about his life, what's been happening, where's it been happening... but in the past he never seemed to be that open unless it was in person. Or, that is what I remember. I did have deep conversations with him online at times, but that was mainly because they dealt with issues between me and him. Talking to him online feels flat when it's just normal conversation, average conversation. I'm sure I come across the same way with him. He's at my web pages right now. He likes my pages. He'll probably read this later, if he comes back. I wonder what he will think. I wonder if he'll read back far enough in my journal and read the entry totally devoted to him.
My computer's fan is making the more IRRITATING noise. It's driving me insane. I can't write anything but documents of my life. I have trouble thinking in here, expressing. Not just because of the noise, but because a good portion of the last 2 years I've spent in this room. I hate it. The noise is almost like it's screaming for me to get away. The explains my long and in between updates.
I've been workin on a new layout, I have one started, but I'm taking my sweet time. With school starting, and me now seriously looking for a job, it will probably take even longer. But that is alright. This layout is more than enough to tide over Unpretty for now. It is sure calling enough followers for as unknown as it is.
No Title Given
I rearranged my room today. Though I liked the layout of my room before I moved everything, I had had it that way for 2 years, and I needed something new. Badly. I'd like to make a profound difference in my life from being a lower classmen to a higher classmen, and changing my room is as profound as it'll get. Besides the joys of my friends and I driving. It was cute to see my cat Jazzy, who has never seen my room in any other arrangement since the last, come in to my room looking around and sniffing everything, like she had never been there before. I guess the change was good for her, too. I hope she accepts it and doesn't piss all over my floor and be rebellious.
I stayed online for only an hour today, in total, at most. It may have been that I was busy all day cleaning and moving my room's shit around (I'm gonna be hurtin tomorrow), but I think it says something about how I am slowly being able to break away from the computer. I want to spend more time in my room, more time reading, more time just doing nothing than being on here. Before I didn't think I could last the school day without checking my e-mail, reading my guestbook, or glancing at my webring stats. It could be cause I'm sick of this room, because I feel so closed. This room is so small. I've always hated it in here, ever since I was a child, and it's just gotten worse and worse until I can't take it anymore. The loud hum of the computer (actually, it's too loud. I think there's something wrong with the fan or filter stuff or something) gives me a dull head ache like nothing else. I hate the little TV in here. I have my stuff all over this room, and it all looks cluttered, and it's out of place, and my parents bitch at me for it, but they don't seem to realize I'm trying to bring some of my room in here. I need a computer in my room. But then I'd be computer dependant again.
I'm getting a little pissed about my site contest that I put up a little while ago. I asked for judges, and people responded. So, now, I send these people sites that have been submitted, and they reply. But, there are some people who take a week or more to reply. One girl has not replied in almost 2 weeks. I'm afraid to e-mail her and tell her I don't want her as a judge anymore, because what if she's just on vacation? I'm one of those people who would feel horrible about doing that. And, the e-mail I would send would show no shame, totally being blunt about how her irresponsibility has pissed me off. Hell. Why not just ignore her for from now on, eh?
Speaking of irresponsibility... This couple from somewhere out east has been e-mailing me and e-mailing me over and over about giving them feedback on eBay. Me and my mother sometimes buy and sell beanies on there. Well, we did business with this couple, I can't even remember what they bought from us, but they left some feedback for us. Great. Usually, I never give feedback. I don't think everyone should pay attention to how many positive they have. Those are a dime a dozen. I think people should be worried about how many negatives they have. So, that is why I never give feedback unless I have something negative to say. Well... these people kept e-mailing me and e-mailing me about "missing feedback," "we missed your feedback," and on and on. I can trace these letters back a couple of months, and they were coming on a regular basis. I mean, what the hell?? I finally e-mailed them, telling them things like: "This is harassment, over something completely stupid, and I'm sick of it. It has made me regret having done business with you." Stuff like that. They replied: "That's not fair, but we'll stop mailing you ... Hope you'll get in trouble sometimes, because we're always fair to everyone and we think feedback is good for everybody ..." What the hell? I sent them a long, winded reply, just stating my opinions on it, and: "It may be fair of you to give feedback, but what you've been doing to me for the past few months, constant e-mails over and over while you scream and kick for stupid feedback, was not fair. If you'd like to avoid NEGATIVE feedback in the future, I'd advise you to grow up a little and not do that to anyone else." Heh. That "grow up" was coming from a sex-crazed, lazy, and irresponsible 16 year old. }:smile:
<sigh> I want some damn reviews for my site. Everyone that promised to write one didn't follow through. I want Alan to post his pages already so I can read his journal. I want Beverly to put her page back up, since I visit that "I'll be leaving the online world" message at least 3 times a day. I want everyone to come back from vacations, and from everywhere else, and get back on the internet, pumping out pages for my enjoyment. Damnit. Now.