No Title Given
Shit. Shit shit shit. It has been more than 10 days since I have updated, which most of you probably know, and I feel horrible. Those past 11 days that you have not heard anything of me, I have been so uninterested in the internet, and especially my web pages, because I have been trying to savor my rare time with Alan. But it is still slipping by slowly, slithering away from me.
I've spent most of my time reading a book by Stephen King, "Bag of Bones." It has been enough to keep me busy -- it is a good book, not like the books he has written before. Alan's dad gave it to me to read, and for the past few days, if I had not had this book, I would be forced to do nothing but sit along, as Alan seems to be very busy recently...
He has had computer problems. Lots. And they take up so much of his time... Not that he should not do them. I understand. My life is through the computer, and he's very attached to these machines too. I just don't like doing nothing but staying in this house, this room.
I do that at home, yes. That is why I didn't mind much at first. It was in a way sobering to have that again. It cured some homesickness. But now I feel I'm falling into the same pattern I do at home, and I get that depressing, lonely feeling that I hate. His parents seem concerned that I stay in here all of the time.
I'll admit I coop myself in here during the days while Alan is gone or working. Mainly because talking to his parents, I get those pauses from them that would probably leave a better feeling if they'd just outright say "Gosh, you sure are stupid." Well, not really. I just feel like a little kid around them, making up fibs and story tails about anything and everything. But I'm not. It's something like that. And it's worse around his father, who is home for the rest of my stay here. His mother is nice, though, I like her. The pauses don't happen as much with her. Probably because I can keep my voice from wavering and being tongue-tied, instead of getting that look on my face like I'm thinking, looking up, making encouraging hand motions, struggling to think of the right words, all of which are actually very simple to come across, and I still manage looking fake, like I'm talking about something I really know nothing about. My brain freezes.
Alan keeps asking me if anything is wrong. Well, yes and no. To put it bluntly, I feel neglected. I am dieing of boredom. Not all that much -- I feel so selfish and rude saying that. I get the picture in my head of crossing my arms with a scowl on my face that can only be accomplished of an spoiled child, and tapping my foot out of impatience.
Also. Being around him this much makes me notice something I only did slightly before -- I act totally different around him than I do the rest of my friends. Every time I try to be like that, I get a funny response from him. Like he can do something I can't. I am usually a wisecracking bitch around my friends -- I try to kill them from laughing. But everything I stay comes out quick, mumbled, and stupid. Just stupid.
I feel like I'm holding back on so much, because when I tell Alan I have written a journal message, he will come and read it, probably sometime while I am not in the room, or while I'm lost in my book, and then he will feel worse than he already does from how the past few days have turned out, or how they have been wasted. The only reason why I feel so horrible is because Alan doesn't really seem to see it as that bad of a thing. But I guess me saying "Everything is fine" would lead him to believe that. Today his mother came in and started talking about how she felt bad with me being in this house all of the time, and the only time I've really gone out was to go with Alan while he searched for things to fix his computer. Alan looked at me, and was like, "Help me out here." I just laid there.
I have been working on layouts. All of them are horrible. Someone who asked to host me, I told them I would be ready to move in 3 weeks. It's been 4, and I'm no where near. I've scanned 2 pictures, mainly because I found that I left most of the pictures that I wanted to scan at home. I think to myself, "You really should work on layouts," all while I open Sim City 3000 and load my current attempt at a successful city. I feel a little useless right now.