No Title Given
Shit. Shit shit shit. It has been more than 10 days since I have updated, which most of you probably know, and I feel horrible. Those past 11 days that you have not heard anything of me, I have been so uninterested in the internet, and especially my web pages, because I have been trying to savor my rare time with Alan. But it is still slipping by slowly, slithering away from me.
I've spent most of my time reading a book by Stephen King, "Bag of Bones." It has been enough to keep me busy -- it is a good book, not like the books he has written before. Alan's dad gave it to me to read, and for the past few days, if I had not had this book, I would be forced to do nothing but sit along, as Alan seems to be very busy recently...
He has had computer problems. Lots. And they take up so much of his time... Not that he should not do them. I understand. My life is through the computer, and he's very attached to these machines too. I just don't like doing nothing but staying in this house, this room.
I do that at home, yes. That is why I didn't mind much at first. It was in a way sobering to have that again. It cured some homesickness. But now I feel I'm falling into the same pattern I do at home, and I get that depressing, lonely feeling that I hate. His parents seem concerned that I stay in here all of the time.
I'll admit I coop myself in here during the days while Alan is gone or working. Mainly because talking to his parents, I get those pauses from them that would probably leave a better feeling if they'd just outright say "Gosh, you sure are stupid." Well, not really. I just feel like a little kid around them, making up fibs and story tails about anything and everything. But I'm not. It's something like that. And it's worse around his father, who is home for the rest of my stay here. His mother is nice, though, I like her. The pauses don't happen as much with her. Probably because I can keep my voice from wavering and being tongue-tied, instead of getting that look on my face like I'm thinking, looking up, making encouraging hand motions, struggling to think of the right words, all of which are actually very simple to come across, and I still manage looking fake, like I'm talking about something I really know nothing about. My brain freezes.
Alan keeps asking me if anything is wrong. Well, yes and no. To put it bluntly, I feel neglected. I am dieing of boredom. Not all that much -- I feel so selfish and rude saying that. I get the picture in my head of crossing my arms with a scowl on my face that can only be accomplished of an spoiled child, and tapping my foot out of impatience.
Also. Being around him this much makes me notice something I only did slightly before -- I act totally different around him than I do the rest of my friends. Every time I try to be like that, I get a funny response from him. Like he can do something I can't. I am usually a wisecracking bitch around my friends -- I try to kill them from laughing. But everything I stay comes out quick, mumbled, and stupid. Just stupid.
I feel like I'm holding back on so much, because when I tell Alan I have written a journal message, he will come and read it, probably sometime while I am not in the room, or while I'm lost in my book, and then he will feel worse than he already does from how the past few days have turned out, or how they have been wasted. The only reason why I feel so horrible is because Alan doesn't really seem to see it as that bad of a thing. But I guess me saying "Everything is fine" would lead him to believe that. Today his mother came in and started talking about how she felt bad with me being in this house all of the time, and the only time I've really gone out was to go with Alan while he searched for things to fix his computer. Alan looked at me, and was like, "Help me out here." I just laid there.
I have been working on layouts. All of them are horrible. Someone who asked to host me, I told them I would be ready to move in 3 weeks. It's been 4, and I'm no where near. I've scanned 2 pictures, mainly because I found that I left most of the pictures that I wanted to scan at home. I think to myself, "You really should work on layouts," all while I open Sim City 3000 and load my current attempt at a successful city. I feel a little useless right now.
No Title Given
Since I'm actually awake at this hour, and Alan just left because he was called into work, I decided that I would make up for not posting a journal message yesterday by describing yesterday today.
So. My flight. I probably made it out more than what it really was. Like I expected, after leaving my house at a quarter till five, we arrived at 7 something. We had time to sit down, eat breakfast, and me and my mom went walking around in search of beanies, which we did find. I guess they had a shipment in early that morning or something. Lucky us.
I thought I would have a hell of a time finding my seat -- searching endlessly and holding up a line of angry people. But, of course, they were easily marked. Of course. I hated it when the plane took off -- it had the feel of a roller coaster. And there was a lot of bumps throughout the flight... It actually had me really scared, but everyone around me was sitting silently, reading or sleeping, totally calm. So I suffered in silence.
The landing sucked for me. Since when they start landing, they slowly bring the plane down... Well, going down that slow, my right ear stopped popping. It was that feeling where it feels like something is covering your ear, and everything sounds muffled. And it started to hurt. And throb. Then the sinuses above my left eye started to sting, very very badly. I could tell my face was flushed because of how hot it felt. And again, I wanted to panic... I guess I was feeling dramatic yesterday... And looking around, everyone seemed to peaceful. No one seemed to be going through what I was -- and that only made me worry about it more. By the end of the flight, my ear was just sore from it. I guess we had been waiting for clearance to land, which is why they spent so much time slowly lowering the plane, and turning in circles. I didn't realize that at the time.
I've been trying so hard not to sound like a snob writing this -- like everything was focused on me, and I had a horrible experience. Even that sounds like I mean that. I don't. I know now I made a bigger deal out of it than it was. Which I feel a little foolish for 
My plane arrived early, which was a pleasant surprise. About 10 minutes early. The airport in Kentucky was cool looking, or so I thought. The one in DC is like a mall -- this one was obviously built in the 70's. The outside looked like hell, though.
I packed everything I could think of for this trip -- I didn't want to be there for 3 weeks saying "I wish I had brought.." And since Alan is just a little stronger than me (just a little, heh) he was carrying my bags. And of course, he had to park on the third level in the parking garbage, which only had steps... Poor baby.
Alan lives in Fort Knox -- which is pretty much in the middle of no where. The most I've seen is a Burger King. And that's it. So, in order for him to see any sign of intelligent life, he as to go to E town (Elizabeth Town is what that stands for, I think) or go to Louisville. And since it's so far away, Alan had to use a map to find his way around. Comforting.
So after leaving the airport, and successfully missing our turn for about 20 miles, we went to Comp USA. We were looking around at computer stuff, since that is Alan's passion. I was hoping to get a vital cord for my N64 there, but the guy helping me wasn't the brightest, and he wasn't much help.
From there we headed down to there the theatre was, and where Old Navy was. We got our tickets early, at about 11:30, for the Austin Powers Movie that started at 11:55. While waiting for that we looked around in Old Navy and Bath and Body Works, just because I am a girl and Alan thought I would like it We ended up back at the movie theatre at 11:45. There was not really much else to do. I liked the Movie, even though it was a little like the original. Alan said he didn't like it, that it was exactly like the first. I still had a good time watching it.
Then we attempted to head over to the mall. Which was fun. At my house, Alan seemed like such a good driver. But he was "used to" the van he was driving, and would stop just a few feet away from cars, and he almost ran into a few other cars. If I had not said anything, he probably would have.
Since we were a little lost, we stopped by a ratty Rite Aid and asked for directions. We also got a few essentials (wink, wink) and some Tylenol for my headache, from the plan ride earlier.
We walked around the mall a little. It was a huge mall -- and I loved it. The stores were all expensive, not really place I would shop at, anyway. We found Alan some Doc Martins, the pair that he wanted was $100... They didn't look like they were worth that much. All the others were worth $40 less. Oh well, I guess. It's his money. After getting that cable for my N64, and after he got a Cin-a-bun (sp?) we left, and headed back to his house.
He kept saying how far away his house was, and how long and boring the car drive was. I really didn't mind it -- it was very pretty along the way, even with the occasional ghetto house. Since his father's very high ranked in the army, they have an extremely nice house. Some rooms are a little crowded, but it still looks good.
I was dreading meeting his family, and I really don't know why. Not that I brought up great conversations with them, but they were very nice and open, like Alan is. Right after we got there, my mother called saying "Why didn't you call?" It was a little past 3 or 4 when we finally got back.
Seconds later, after I got off the phone, his mother came home. I was a little high on the steps, I put out my hand for her to shake it. I didn't really know what else to do, I was already nervous. Then Alan made a comment, something meaning that I should have hugged her, and in turn I did. Not that I minded hugging her, but... Ugh. I hate it when people point out my mistakes, when they have to have a little bit of an idea that I am not comfy. Believe me, I can feel them when I make them.
After we were left alone... We made use of it His mother got back at 6, and I felt a little bad -- not about what me and Alan did -- but that she had wanted us to pick a place to get food, and I had picked Burger King, because that was the only place that I would garentee (sp?) that I would be able to order something. She didn't sound happy with the decision, that she would eat something at from that was at the house.
So, me and Alan went to the PX. He brought me to the CD section, which was a bad idea. I picked up 2 CD's, Geri Halliwell and the Cranberries, and he got one, Ben Folds Five. I owe him $20, which I have yet to give him. We got Burger King, which was right in the PX; cool. 
We got back, and ate in the Kitchen. Right then a neighbor came over, and was talking to Mrs. Leturno about stuff. I hate sitting there, quiet, not knowing what to say, while everyone else in the room joined in a conversation. It made me feel so awkward, and I know I was giving off some impression that I did not like them, or that I was snobby. Ugh.
After words, we went back up to his room, and hung out and what not -- he played some of his computer games, and I laied down, resting. We stayed here there for a while. At one point, his sister's Boyfriend came over to meet me. He seemed really nice, and while he was there, I stayed seated at my computer. Alan made a comment about that, saying that I should have gotten up, I guess. I didn't like that. It made me feel bad again.
After watching Real World, on MTV, we had to go the drug store, so that he could have some milk. I didn't mind that. After coming home, we went into his living room, snuggled up, and watched Jay Leno. After we finished our snacks that we were eating... }:smile: Yeah. After words, it was late -- about 12, I think. He agreed to stay in the living room, sleeping on the couch, and I would sleep in his room. Earlier it had been the idea that I would sleep in his sister's room. I wasn't comfy with that, I wouldn't feel right sleeping in her bed, which is what I thought she meant. This morning I saw she had put an extra little cot (sp?) thing in the room. Then I felt bad for being to picky.
Damn... That was allot to type. I started at a little past 10 AM, and not it is exactly an hour later. Hmmph. I don't know, I like recapping. As much as I do remember, it's the little things I forget and miss the most.
No Title Given
I am all packed. Well, almost -- there are a few things still being cleaned that I wanted to bring. I cleaned my room, sort of. There's still shit on the floor, but I don't think I'm going to worry with it.
I am terrified of flying. I used to think I loved heights, loved being up high -- and I do. But I have been making daydream things of just looking down, realizing how high I am, and with the fear I already have... And then just getting sick. But, I think I have an isle seat.. Yes, I have an isle seat. I hope I'll know where to sit. I don't know how planes work. I want someone to tell me statics about flying, about how safe it is, about how it's "more safe than driving." Even though I doubt it will have any effect on what I am putting myself through, I need something useful to chant to myself if I start spazing.
I am going to move away from this. I've thought about it enough... My suitcase is bigger than me, I think. My parents rushed me out a couple of days ago (Friday, I think) to get a new suitcase. They got a kind with the wheels, only because Alan had one, and they thought it was cool... And my father would probably be embarrassed by having one of the "old fashioned" suit cases. And besides, I would not have been able to carry it -- I can barley wheel the one I have now.
I have to go to bed extra early. My flight leaves at 8 something AM, I arrive at 9:58 AM -- so my father has decided to leave at a quarter till 5, so that we can beat the traffic to DC and what not. Not that it's that bad of an idea -- DC is horrible to get into in the morning. Real heavy traffic. And tomorrow would be the day that they have a 10 car pile up and have the roads blocked for hours. So, even leaving that early I'm scared of missing my flight, but what will probably happen is that we will be waiting an hour so, like always. Not that I mind -- the Reagan National (I think that's the name??) airport is almost like a mall -- I saw a Victoria's Secret in there. So, it wont be so bad -- they even have a Mcy D's. But my parents always leave to damn early -- have to be an hour or so early to everything. I hate that. It's all my father's doing, but it seems to be rubbing off on my mother.
I am going to bed at 9. Which is still late, for someone who will be waking up at a quarter till 3. I would go to bed sooner, but I have to watch That 70's Show -- the new season starts tonight. A must see. It's one of those shows that me and Alan always watch "together." Tonight will be no different.
No Title Given
Tomorrow is my last day I'll be home until I leave -- peachy. Then 3 glorious weeks with Alan. In a way, I am half looking forward to it... and half no. The only resistance that I have is that I have never been able to feel comfy anywhere other than my home. I am also dangerously shy around people I don't know, and I know the mixture of those 2 wont make for a very pleasant stay, looking at it on that level. It shouldn't last long; the first week will be the hardest. But as long as I'm with Alan, I should feel alright. He knows about my little quirks and paranoia about all of this, which reassures me he wont let too much come at me at one time, if that's possible. His mother knows about this, too. Now I just have to shield off his sister. Alan says I will probably never see her, or not very much, and the same with his father. I'm scared of his father.
I am going to have to start packing and what not tonight, as I just sat on my ass all today, trying desperately to think of new layouts. It's so sad -- That used to come to me to easily and now I'm having some sort of design block. It's so frustrating.
I am scared of flying. I've been thinking of that so much. What if I get air sick? What if the person next to me does? What if the plane crashes? What is I loose my luggage? What is something happens to the pilot? I have never even been close to a plane -- the closest I have been is from looking out the glass while waiting for Alan's plane to come in. What in the hell is at the end of that boarding tunnel, anyway? I'll be handling all of these hissy fits while wearing a dress, too. I feel vulnerable in a dress. Everything's all open... Ugh.
I have to do this dishes. I have to clean my room. I've gotten to the point where it pisses me off just to hear my father say the word "room." Just the way he says it, it's so demanding, so ordering. Why can't anyone understand that I just like knowing where everything is, and the floor is the biggest, most convenient spot for that. Why why why??? I am going to trash Alan's house, just you wait and see.
No Title Given
I feel so blah. I've been trying to think of some new layouts, but I think I might give up. The one that looks "good" I am sick of, and the one that isn't exactly wowing anybody is the one I kind of like. But, Netscape hates it. Yes, if you'll notice, the bold letters are links. Feel free to click on them, they are the layouts. If you have a fave, e-mail me... Maybe I'll do a poll or some shit like that. Go ahead, humor me.
I went clothes shopping yesterday. Yippie. I bought preppy clothes -- something totally out of character for me. I even bought a dress. I have no idea what came over me. I plan on wearing the dress to Alan's also. Which should be good, he's said many times that I should wear more skirts and stuff. Shorts even. Yeah. I hope I don't suddenly become uncomfy in my dress as soon as I leave the house.
Only 2 more days until I leave. And I have done nothing, NOTHING, to prepare for it yet. The closest I have gotten to it is getting the clothes yesterday, as well as a new suitcase. You know, the kind with the wheels? It's so neat. :ehh:
Something that doesn't surprise me at all, is that now that I'm out of school, all of a sudden everything's so god damned boring, it's painful. I actually MISS school. But, it doesn't even feel like summer. I feel like I am going to have to go to school on Monday -- like this has just been a 3 day weekend. Hmmph.